My New Job X Madness with The Arjunans X SJP's 50th X Retail Therapy

My New Job

So, from my previous post y'all should already know that I have moved out. Well, I need a way to get money don't I? So I decided to go hunt for a part time job. I cannot simply rely on modelling. Firstly because I am not signed to an agency because I rather just do freelance. This also means that things like runways and all, well they do not come easy for me. Also, I only do paid photoshoots and it is not very often that I do them. I also don't do bikini / swimwear / lingerie or nude shoots which means I have to decline half the offers I get on email and only accept the paid decent ones.

Thanks to my friend Rinna, I scored myself a runway show but I am not too sure about it as there's also a possibility of another one. Well, more about that after the events I guess? So yea, thanks to her I am part of an events company (kinda) and I am in a whatsapp group where the admin always broadcasts events and if we are available and interested, we can go for them. I like things like these so there isn't high commitment and pressure and I have the flexibility to choose my events. I did sign up for one in May and will talk about it after it. It is for Topshop by the way. 

So, back to this job hunt. I wanted a more consistent and decent paying job. I wanted a job in the F&B sector. It is not like I love serving people or anything like that but the very big bonus is food. Nono, we part timers don't get discounts and the perks. When I say food, I meant break times. Working in the retail sector 2 years back with my friend Sharm, made me pay for everything that I want to eat during break. Might I remind you I used to work at Charles & Keith at ION and the food there is NOT cheap. Working at a F&B sector, means that you get your meals from the staff cafe and it's free. It is true that it is considered as your break and that for that half an hour you wouldn't get paid.. but it'e way better! Because for retail jobs, you don't get paid for that half an hour of your break and you still have to fork out money to get food!!

So, I decided I wanted a hotel job. I have previously waitressed at a Chinese Restaurant called Red House. It was for 2 days only but I can tell that I would much prefer one that is at a hotel. I honestly wanted room service. Somehow it appealed to me and it seems fun and all. But the pay part was the crappy thing. Apparently, it is lesser pay for an hour as compared to the "restaurant" part of the hotel and being a waitress / food runner / stewardess. 

In the NiggAPACHE, majority of the guys have worked in Shangrila Hotel at one point of time in their lives. Sharlini is the only one who has been consistently working there as a part timer for more than a year. After telling her that I have been looking for an F&B job, she suggested working with her. Well, I didn't mind. But.. her job is at the poolside. Fun and all but under the sun. I cannot withstand the heat from the sun too long if not I'll pass out. NO JOKE!

So, I asked her if there was anything else and she said yes. It's their hotel buffet, called The Line,

Modern surroundings designed by Adam Tihany and stylish bites from our enthusiastic chefs, make this all-day dining restaurant the place to be.

International cuisine is featured at 16 theatre kitchens, while the bar offers a large selection of premium wines, juices and smoothies. After eight years, The Line remains as one of Singapore's favourite destinations for buffet lunch and dinner.

A little more about The Line:

Regular Buffet Pricing:

Lunch Buffet (Prices are inclusive of coffee and tea only): 

Monday to Friday: $58++ (adult), $29++ (children 6-11 yrs)

Saturday & Public Holidays: $68++ (adult), $34++ (children 6-11 yrs)

Carnivore Champagne Brunch on Sundays: $108++ per adult with free flow soft drinks and juices, $158++ with free flow Perrier-Jouet Champagne, house pour wines, draft beer and juices. $54++ per child (6 to 11yrs)

Dinner Buffet (Prices are inclusive of coffee and tea only): 

Mon, Wed & Sun (International): $76++ (adult), $38++ (children 6-11 yrs)

Tues & Thurs (Marine Harvest): 

$98++ (adult) inclusive of house pour sparkling wines, red and white wines, draft beer, soft drinks and chilled juices 

$44++ (children 6-11 yrs) inclusive of soft drinks and chilled juices 

Fri & Sat (International): $88++ (adult), $44++ (children 6-11 yrs)

Beverage Packages

$9.90++ for free flow soft drinks and juices 

$35++ for free flow soft drinks, juices, house wines, beers and sparkling wines

Prices are subject to 10% service charge and prevailing government taxes including GST.

Prices and information are subject to changes without prior notice.

For those of you who think I am some sorta overly loyalty freak, you're wrong. This place actually has an amazing buffet and I will sure as hell come here one day with my loved ones to dine at this place for sure! I would recommend you all to go here at least one. The price is quite steep but it'll be worthy for a lavish occasion and if you do not believe me, HERE is a review from Ladyironchef!

Having worked here, I have been to quite a few places, mostly thanks to Sharlini and recently saw The Line Shop. It has cakes and chocolates and all sorts of things. What I fell in love with would be the amazing 3D cakes. I saw a GORGEOUS 3 tiered wedding cakes and even a cake that resembled a huge Tiffany gift box and it was lovely. Sharlini has yet to whatsapp me the pictures so I don't have any to post for now.

I went for an interview on a Friday a while back and I was glad that I got the job. I was scheduled to work for the following Monday and I was ecstatic although nervous. My job started at 7am! But I made it.

Here's me enjoying camwhoring at Shangrila's guest washroom after my interview while waiting for my babe to finish her job. Come on! I had to be nice. She got me this job and I was thankful! 

Sitting on one of those comfy beach chairs while watching my babe work. The chair was so comfy that I fell asleep waiting. hahaha

So this was me on my first day..

I had to wear lipstick. Well, at least I am utilizing my make up..although it's for work. 

The only thing I HATE about my uniform..CROCS! Yeap.. I had to buy my own pair of UGLY CROCS for work because apparently Shangrila wants to be different and my manager even said "trendy". I mean, if you really wanna be trendy, why would you pick the UGLIEST pair of shoes to ever be invented. I LOVE shoes, I am not gonna lie. But the pair that I hate the most and have always despised would be CROCS! I mean look at them. They're hideous and all. But whatever, I only change to them during work hours. I won't be caught dead wearing them in public. Well, there are pros and cons for every job right? Well, this is one of my biggest con!!!

So why all the cutlery neatly arranged? Well, my first 3 days at the job, I was in training and my job was to, wipe the cutlery, arrange them, fold a large amount of napkins (I think over 1,000 each day), laminate random sheets and cut them out and organize them according to their food categories and 

re-stock items. Well, not bad right? Just for all of these and I get paid. Well, I wouldn't complain but it was getting boring after a while. 

And the worse part, I only worked 3 days and for the whole of  the following week, I didn't get a single day to work despite giving my schedule of availability. It was so pissing off that I thought Shangrila didn't wanted me so I sought out for a job to work with an agency called Baoshi. Well, I am supposed to call them and book jobs for the following week.

Apparently, the one day where I booked a job, I had to blow it off because I started being really sick and to top it off have a bad case of UTI. (Maybe some of you ladies out there might relate)

And the day before, I went to an exclusive party at Kallang Wave Mall with 3 other guys from The NiggAPACHE and by the time I headed home and rested and all, it was just so late and my UTI was just getting bad. My fever, flu, tonsillitis, cough & phlegm were just added problems. Yup.. when I fall sick, I get it hard. After I blew off the job with Baoshi, I thought I wouldn't be able to book anymore jobs with them. But after a few days, I got a text from them. So thank heavens, if I ever have problems with Shangrila again regarding jobs (hopefully not), I can always count on Baoshi.

So Shangrila.. how is it?

Wow! Where do I even begin? There's just so much to share.

Ok, regarding the job as in me working part, it is really nice as it is not not overly tedious and stressful although sometimes it gets busy. It is not too much of a strain physically which is a great deal to me. I work till midnight and the benefit is to get a free cab ride home although the bad thing is  I get motion sickness. The job part, it is really fun and surprisingly, I love it. 

The BIGGEST PERK is having my BFF working there. You see poolside and The Line are pretty near and on days where we work together, we are able to bump into each other multiple times and sometimes even end up eating together during break.

 It has a nice environment, the people are friendly like the staff and all. People from The Line department are really the sweetest as they are so nice to me. The environment is very different as compared to school and other jobs because I am almost always surrounded by Chinese. I am not complaining but sometimes it is so easy to feel excluded because three quarter of the time they are always conversing in Mandarin and it gets a little annoying because you have no idea what is going on and sometimes you think to yourself, "Would it really kill you to just speak in English? So that everyone can understand and be a apart of the conversation?!"

My knowledge is Mandarin is extremely basic but now, since there's more Malays and the best part more Indians (which is rare for me to see and mingle and socialize with considering the last time I saw a big group of Indians was during Holi), I feel more included in conversations in a way and at least I get what is happening. I actually best get along with a mixed and almost equally diverse group as compared to just one dominant race. But hey, 19 years of my life and I have interacted with so many Chinese and a handful of Malays that I sometimes miss being more close to Indians. Guessing Shangrila is the perfect hotel for me then? Haha

The closest person I am with is obviously Sharlini. But the closest people from The Line are these 2 guys called Keshore & Sree.

Keshore is a really charming guy. He is a good, talker and you can tell why he is really well liked by everyone from The Line. He is just a nice person to be with. He has also been really helpful to me whenever I am in need.

Sree is a dishwasher and he is really nice to just talk to and have a laugh. Every single time I clear plates and have to put it at the stewarding area for the dishwashers, there''ll be some form of conversation and it's just funny.

They both have bikes and it really makes me wanna save up and take up bike license and have one on my own. Maybe not just yet but soon enough please?!

I have no idea how I got close to the two of them. But they asked some questions, I answered and from there on this comfortability that I have with them over the other staff. But my fellow colleagues are all nice.

There is this system here where we use to get our pay using some voucher. I had no idea how it was at first but now i get a hang of it. I have been told by certain people working there that, it is such a nice place to work in and the people you work with after a while are like family. The one thing that they all agreed on was that the management isn't the best. But if you learn to look past that, you'll have an enjoyable time that's for sure.

Belinda is the lady who interviewed me, one of the nicer managers I've worked with. There are other managers whom I shall not name who aren't really my favorites. Well, I'm not gonna complain much because I'll be working for this week and then once poly starts, I'll be working a maximum of  twice a week only which totally beats 5 times per week.  When I am on my holidays and all, I'll work a little more if they are able to slot me in and then *touchwood if they can't, I can hopefully count on Baoshi to give me jobs.

Either way,  I'll only be working till end August or early September, depending on internship starts for me. 6 months later, it'll be graduation.. Then a full time job at an events or wedding company or a full time part timer? I guess we'll see then. Till then it's like  5 more months of working with Shangrila. 

Hopefully I can foster better friendships as right now, although I am happy.. I just don't feel totally included.

All my life I've been that girl who's just so outta place, such a misfit that I always feel that I don't belong anywhere. Till the NiggAPACHE came about. I finally feel like I belonged somewhere. Just like I mentioned in my previous blog post, I can never find friends like them anywhere but I still sure do hope I am able to foster friendships outside and one place is most definitely Shangrila. Well, this is my second proper week of working so there's still time.

I have to muster my courage and ask Belinda (hopefully it's her who's in charge) for posting me to do light duties for at least this week. It's only 3 days but it'll make a difference. I really have to watch out and be really careful as I recently injured myself pretty bad and I definitely don't want my wounds to become worse from the fall. The worst is my palm, and I can't have it expanding.

So yea... I am done with my new job part. Haha, finally! Phew! 

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Madness with The Arjunans 

So this section is just a whole bunch of random crazy days of going out with Aby & Sharlini. 

Our fav colors and I had to get the Bandung from Woodlands Pasar Malam that day because it looked so pink, so pretty and I knew it was gonna be extra sweet and I was right!

From left: Me, Sharlini, Aby's Cheesy Hotdog

I mean I am a poly student which means my holidays was a long 6 weeks. But for secondary school and JC students, they had their 1 week holidays in March and sadly a proper NiggAPACHE outing couldn't happen but what I decided to do was to head to Serangoon. It was one of the times where I had to make a trip to collect an item I purchased from Carousal. Don't worry, from what I know, only 2 more items needed to be purchased to fulfill the shopping of birthday gifts for 2015. Yup, I always plan in advance.. it's a habit by default. And I rather buy for my loved ones their gifts now when I have the money as compared to struggling if it comes to a scenario where I don't and have to go to a party empty handed.

Since Serangoon was so near Little India, I decided to head there too. Like I said, it was the holiday period for the secondary school people so I asked and Aby was more than glad to join me. I mean no one is allowed to spend their holidays rotting at home with utterly no plans. Unless you have a long holiday then sure.. but if you only have a week, it'll fly by! Just like how next week school is starting all over again! I am so nervous!!!

So..MANDATORY INDIAN SWEETS PURCHASE! 

PALKOVA IS A MUST!!!! They're just so heavenly.

We even went to Mustafa and bought Pringles and drooled over how divine some of the Victoria's Secret body mist smelled like..mmmmm

I had a lot of sleeping problems for a while and insomnia was getting to me. I get on bed all tired. But..my mind is just over thinking and over working and so many random thoughts, plans, idead all just come in that I barely get the sleep that I need. I decided to exhaust myself by working out. 

It once again became a point where I stopped and even now as I am typing this, I realized I haven't worked out properly in weeks. My stamina has dropped and I am just not on point and I have been sick for quite a while now and to top it off, with the recent injury.. I guess working out and getting fit is harder because of work and my health now. But, I will step up my game soon, especially when school reopens but too bad RP gym is under renovation till end of April so have to rely on outdoor workouts and pray that weather is in my favor if I go for night jogs. More importantly I hope by the end of this week my wounds and health get better.

This are post workout pictures taken weeks ago where I actually did something!

This is a whole series of camwhoring session on the way to accompany my babe for her massage. It was a fun trip. The only down side was that I missed the IT Fair with guys and I missed The Captain winning and Xbox One. 

On the bright side, thank god it was just me accompanying. Don't get me wrong, I like massages and all but I am someone who prefers getting massaged only when I am aching and I also can only tolerate low pressures which is hard to obtain for normal massages so I rather sit them out. 

Since the massage place was at Ngee Ann City. I just HAD to convince her to go to 2 places.. Bath & Body Works and my FAVORITE MACAROON STORE, LADUREE! 

Laduree did not fail me once again and I just LOVE the one on the second floor with the boutique and all. I am OBSESSED with boxes as y'all know and the macaroon boxes were a delight. There was two that caught my attention, and they were both by the designer, Emilio Pucci. It had this Aztec / Tribal pretty vibe going on. 

I have always wanted a Laduree cake tower because I am THE BIGGEST FAN of macaroons but after looking at the price in the store, I am most definitely reconsidering it . hahaha

It's not like I am Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl who can afford all these. Sometimes I do wish I was an elite "It" Girl living in Manhattan, taking the upper east side of New York with storm with my style, class, fashion sense.. but for all that, you need money.. and TONNES of it might I add.

I was not born with a silver spoon but I am glad I wasn't because I am more appreciative of the little things in life that you find it inevitable to not take granted for once you have the wealth. I am gonna strive to do what 50-cent said, "Get rich, or die trying". I will one day live the life I have wanted to but for now, lemme just bask in the simple life and learning to work my butt off for something I desire.

A few days later, it was my weekly (well sometimes fortnightly) visit to my family. This time I went home and we bonded over a nice home cooked meal. The most recent would be just my sisters and I at Causeway Point and catching up at Coffee Bean and also while doing some window shopping.

Yes, I do miss my family. But I never fully regretted moving out. I do know it's a little hard as I see them once in a while only but I have never loved them any lesser. 

Re-united with my mirror.. one of the things I missed greatly about my old room..the HUGE closet and the ENORMOUS mirror it had in the middle. It is the PERFECT area for OOTD shots.

As you can see, the background has changed as now, my sisters are using it and it's in their room. 

P.S: The crack /black line scratch isn't the mirror but my phone camera! :(

Next, it is all about IKEA!!! Definitely one of my favorite places in Singapore. It has great, tasty & cheap food and drinks. You can get the most random things at affordable prices. The candles here are THE BOMB!!!! And.. not to forget, home to many BOXES!!!!

Obviously if asked if I would like to go to Ikea, I would never turn the offer down. But this was sadly by far my worst trip there. Sharlini was great, the items there were great. I guess the shopping part to get what she was looking for and to get the staff (which wasn't much of a help) was the downside. URGH!! But at least we made it and I had to lug around a GINORMOUS ROD in the bus and also in CWP because we were meeting Aby & Mata for buffet. 

Apparently, CWP has a buffet called Penang Buffet, which I had no idea of. 

Previously, was some of the dishes that Sharlini took pictures of. Not sure which were hers, Aby's & Mata's.. 

And the next 6 pictures are all my plates.. yes I am generally a pretty small eater but I DO NOT WASTE MONEY WHEN IT COMES TO BUFFETS! Hahaha

The only thing I did not eat was the crabs..major confession time! I do not really know and like to peel them. And I am already a messy eater who eats and makes a mess worse than that of a toddler so unless I actually go with someone who peels them for me..I just don't eat them..heh

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SJP's 50th 

Y'all must know her for some of her oh so famous movies like the classics: Hocus Pocus,  Pretty Woman, her more recent film like Eat, Pray, Love and so on. I love her in all of those but what got me so madly in love would be, her in Sex In The City. 

Gaaaaahh!!! Her role as Carrie Bradshaw was just on point! The scene where she had that closet.. that DREAM!!!! The walk in one? Yea, I plan to own that one day and hopefully even better that although that is every girl's dream closet!!!! 

To me she is such a great actress, an amazing style icon and I have mad love for this woman and her chic sense of style.  

March 25th, this amazing woman celebrated her 50th birthday. Yeap! That's right, to have lived half a century and to not even look that old!!! And to have such an elegant sense of dressing is such an envy yet I just have sheer admiration for her! Well, I have picked out some of my most favorite looks from her and would love to share them with y'all.

And.. Happy Belated 50th Birthday Sarah Jessica Parker!!! 

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Retail Therapy

I am typing this segment as this week, the last week of my holidays, I was supposed to work 3 days but was sent home early on the second day and told to not work for this week, which is one more day and that's today. 

Why? My injury on my palm. Well, after working despite my injury, my palm got worse and I was sent back because I was using a bandage. I just hope I am given a chance to work next week. At least for Wednesday as I have got my runway on Saturday.

Well, a few more days of resting wouldn't hurt before a new semester starts and HELLO RP as a YEAR 3 STUDENT! 

So anyway, Sharlini wanted to go and shop last week. I obviously miss shopping!!!! But, ever since moving out, I do not have the luxury to shop as I pleased. Okok, except Carousal! Come on!!!! It may not be clothes but it doesn't kill anybody if I shopped once in a while!!! And Carousal, it is mostly gifts for people and recently.. including today.. it was for me too. hehehe

But after today, no more! I know I keep telling myself that but for real! Because, I got everything I wanted.. I have to save up more and ALL the gifts for people have been settled.. minus 1. But that is because that Carousal user has yet to get back to me. Once he/she does, it is settled then!! And there is no other purpose to shop other than in the future where I want to get some charms for my charm bracelet. Or.. future gifts! Till then, NO MORE CAROUSAL for me! 

I can be a shopaholic and I am not joking when I say that shopping is kinda like therapy. Yea, retail therapy. Well, one day I'll splurge when I have the money. Till then, I have to settle for occasional window shopping.

Which brings me back to the point.. Sharlini! Omg! I can derail so much! It's a trait I find hard to lose and I can ramble on and on and blabber.. and look I am doing it again!! HAHAHA

Well, Sharlini wanted to shop and I wanted to get out. Although I couldn't shop, I window shopped and it didn't stop there! Forever 21 had their clothes looking all pretty and cute that I just HAD to try them on. You know what was their inspiration for their new collection? 

COACHELLA!!!!

Yup, you heard that right! Just take a look at the outfits I tried. Not a lot but I loved them!!!!

For those of you who don't know what's Coachella, let me tell you a little more about it through pictures and some explanation. 

The Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival (commonly referred to as Coachella or the Coachella Festival) is an annual music and arts festival held at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, California, located in the Inland Empire's Coachella Valley in theColorado Desert. It was founded by Paul Tollett in 1999 and is organized by Goldenvoice, a subsidiary of AEG Live. The event features many genres of music, including rock, indie, hip hop, and electronic dance music, as well as art installations andsculptures. Across the grounds, several stages continuously host live music. The main stages are: Coachella Stage, Outdoor Theatre, Gobi Tent, Mojave Tent, and the Sahara Tent; a smaller Oasis Dome was used in 2006 and 2011, while a new Yuma stage was introduced in 2013.

The festival's origins trace back to a 1993 concert that Pearl Jam performed at the Empire Polo Club while boycotting venues controlled by Ticketmaster. The show validated the site's viability for hosting large events, leading to the inaugural Coachella Festival being held in October 1999 over two days, just three months after the disastrous Woodstock '99. After no event was held in 2000, Coachella returned on an annual basis beginning in April 2001 as a single-day event. In 2002, the festival reverted to a two-day format. Coachella was expanded to a third day in 2007 and eventually a second weekend in 2012; it is currently held on consecutive three-day weekends in April, with each weekend having identical lineups. Organizers began permitting spectators to camp on the grounds in 2003, one of several expansions and additions of amenities that have been made in the festival's history.

Coachella showcases popular and established musical artists, as well as emerging artists and reunited groups. Notable appearances in the past include: AC/DC, Amy Winehouse, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg, Prince, Paul McCartney, Arcade Fire, Wu-Tang Clan, The Killers, Radiohead, Daft Punk, Madonna, The Cure, Kanye West, Eminem, Gorillaz, The Black Keys, Rage Against the Machine, Beck, Nine Inch Nails, The Strokes, The White Stripes, Jay-Z, Beastie Boys, Muse, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Foo Fighters. Coachella is one of the largest, most famous, and most profitable music festivals in the United States. In 2014, the festival tallied an aggregate attendance of 579,000 over six days and grossed a record-breaking $78.3 million.

And.. not forgetting the fashion!

The one and only "QUEEN OF COACHELLA"..

Vanessa Hudgens!!!












More outfits from Coachella over the years..























Yea, this is definitely on my bucket list! YESH!!!! My bucket list is rather long and may even be overly pricey but one day and some day I'll check them all off!!! Before I die, I most definitely want to clear and check and fulfill all that's on that list. I haven't actually made one but I feel like it and then putting it in a bucket! Hahaha! Literally a list in a bucket and the bucket MUST be PINK!!! 

But come on guys it's COACHELLA!!!!

Well that's all for this lengthy blog post! My next one would be great for fans of Gossip Girl, cuz it's going to be all about GG. Why suddenly? Because (although I know I am like years late!!!) recently I just completed watching all 6 seasons of GG and it was AMAZEBALLS! Just had to share with y'all. So, if you're not fans, then don't read it. If you are major fans, read and hopefully y'all will enjoy and approve and if you have no clue on what it is, then perhaps you should give it a go and read it. You never know if you end up falling in love with this drama series like I did and still do.

Till next time

xoxo
Farhana Mazlan

Time Changes People

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I have finally decided to blog this. It's taken way too long.. If I wait any longer it would be 8 months and I guess it's just time that I do not want to not let this pain in me and burden on me grow any more. Even if it eases a little, it would do me good.

Funny how the weather depicts exactly how I feel now. It's a heavy downpour and just lightning and thunder every few minutes.

Well the reason why the blog is titled "Time Changes People", is because it does and in this 8 months so much has happened and so much more will too. This is going to be a lengthy blog and if you are expecting pictures or some happy paragraphs, I suggest you just close this tab. I am writing this for my sake to try to let it all out for once. Two things that make me feel better, jogging and writing and I've done the first, now for the latter to help me.



Break-Up

The people who are close to me or who at least know me know that I have broken up with my ex quite some time back. I do not have a string of relationships so I do not know how it ever feels like to go through a break up..but now I do.

For the NiggAPACHE who knows the problem knows that it was me who wanted it. Some may have understood my side of the story..some not so. Whatever the case, I just wanted to say that I am sorry to everyone that I have ever hurt and also to my ex.

All I can tell anyone out there, if you ever want to break up with someone over something so trivial, don't be so stupid and do it. But at the same time, if you ever want to break up with someone for something you know where its time to end things.. DON'T PROLONG IT! I cannot emphasize anymore how important it is to not prolong it. Trust me, you rather end things off early then to go on a year plus and maybe more and then have to end things off ugly.

I know only 2 people know this about me but there was never a day, never a moment I stopped thinking about you or how much I've hurt you. It was so much of grief and guilt. I guess it will never really go away till someday somehow I know you've found your happiness, real, true, genuine happiness.

What hurt me the most was not the break up but losing someone so important to me and in my life. I have fostered a friendship with you that was special, It wasn't a BFF one, it wasn't some lovey dovey one but it was just something special that I thought I could have forever until a relationship came in and ruined that friendship. A breakup with a boyfriend didn't hurt me as much as a breakup with a friend I had valued dearly. Seeing the NiggAPACHE go from 11 to 10 members because of me broke me down further knowing I was the cause.

Never was a time after your departure that I felt that, thanks to me the incompleteness will always be there.

I want to take this time to say that I am truly sorry for hurting you. I am sorry it had to end up like this. I am sorry that I hurt you when all you ever did was to love me. I am sorry after a while I lost my feelings but instead of telling things then, let it prolong thinking things will change and in the end leading to a painful breakup. I am sorry I made you cry. I am sorry because of me, you don't want to have much to do with The NiggAPACHE. I am sorry for causing all the family problems between yours and mine but at least now you are closer to them and I do hope you love and value them more. I am sorry for everything. I am sorry you had to have the unfortunate experience of having me be a part of your life at a point of time. I know it is hard, I know it'll take time but I can assure you for the kinda guy you are, a really nice girl to match up with your nice personality will come by and of course with your family's approval and all..but more importantly, I know you will find true happiness with that girl.



Moving Out

  If you ever think moving out is an easy thing.. you cannot be more wrong. That is something I guarantee you. A lot of things you take granted for, now you will know the true value of them. For example, you can easily ask your parents for money to go down and buy something. I am sure you know what I mean like getting some chips or biscuits or even milk. Or, you can happily leave your room to go the hall and walk around half naked when only you're home or something because why?

You're COMFORTABLE that's why. Ever since moving out, the 2 of my biggest struggle.. finance and feeling at home. Financially I am supporting myself now. Thank heavens my school fees and all is being paid by my parents. But the rest? From prepaid card to concession monthly, to expenses like food and other stuff to finding the place and money to save up. It's really not easy.

Also why this post before my other one is because the job part. Well the hotel, yeap I am in the F&B sector..but the hotel I am working for decides to be so inconsistent that I have to seek to another agency to get a job. I am still with the hotel and all, it's just that for the time being (hopefully time being only) I need the agency.

When school starts..THANK GOD FOR BLOCK CLASSES!!!! RP students, y'all know what I'm talking about. Well going into Year 3 and I am blessed to have 3 block modules. So it really depends on the day and all, but I may have to end up working 2 - 3 times per week when school starts. Money doesn't just fall from the sky you see, you have to work for it.

Eating at lavish places and shopping for the fun of it and all has to be on hold because you just cannot afford to be spending carelessly. The good thing would be that you learn how to be thrifty, that's why a F&B part time job. (But more about this in another post)

Next, family and your sense of belonging. When I first moved out, although the people I am staying with are really the nicest and all..I could not help but feel outcasted and out of place. It's been 2 months plus since I've moved out and I am slowly adapting to everything. I know it will be hard. Because, before I know it, graduation and all and then time to find another place to stay and after that, it would just be migrating and so on.

Life keeps on moving. My family knows why I moved out and I believe they respect that. However the full reason would still be known by The NiggAPACHE. I do visit my family as much as I can on a weekly basis. I do miss their company and all but this is the path that I had chosen and I am going to pave my own way and live my life in a more positive and happy manner.

Regardless, if my family ever needs me for anything at all, I will be more than glad to go all out to help them in any way that I can. They have done so much for me and it is the least I could do.

Also, moving out inevitably teaches you independence. You have to be a strong, independent person but it is always fine to once in a while lean on somebody as a form of pillar of support when you need it. Late night talks with Sharlini and so on has helped me through many tough and suicidal times. Yeah..you read that right. But, I am all past that now and I want to be a happier person and I am going to go my way to getting that.



NiggAPACHE

Never once was I lying when I said that I considered The NiggAPACHE as my family. To me they were, they are and they will always be which was why it hurt when my ex left..because it was like losing a loved one, my own family. But it was for the better, his better and I want him to be happy no matter where he is. Obviously given a choice, I would want to remain friends and all but we all know where would that lead to and leaving him hurt was already bad and I couldn't afford to do anything even more harmful. Losing him, was losing something the most important relationship to me..friendship.

But I guess with him it never really did linger long enough in that zone. Everything was a rush. Every thing controlled. Well, never mind for all that. 

The NiggAPACHE.. the group where I once felt like a complete outsider because I didn't attended the same secondary school as them. But you know what? Thank heavens. I mean it was really cool and all to hear all their stories but I now definitely liked the fact that I didn't attended the same school. Because I knew, that I would've known of their existence and all but wouldn't have been a part of them. I do have lovely friends from primary school, secondary school and even right now in polytechnic. But.. somehow it was never the kind of friendship I felt with these guys. This is something really special to me. A bond that I hope never ever breaks irregardless of anything. 

With them, it is the kind of friendship that I want lasting like those you watch in movies. Years later, some even living in different parts of the countries or even the world but they always make time for one another and that friendship lasts forever and also those kind of friendship where their kid knows your kid and the kids grow up together also being great friends. I will never find a group of people like them, or feel like I am in a group with friends to an extent they become family. I do want to always make new friends wherever I go but I NEVER EVER want to lose touch and communication with The NiggAPACHE. It's like the saying, "There's no place like home." Similarly, "There's no other group of friends like The NiggAPACHE."

I love each and every one of the members from The NiggAPACHE with all my heart. I would do anything I can to see them happy. Gosh, I LOVE YOU GOOFBALLS!!!



Overthinking

This tends to be a woman's problem most of the time. For me, a lot of times, I worry A LOT about the future and I sometimes forget to live in the moment. One of my biggest fears would be that The NiggAPACHE slowly drifts apart. I am not even saying this because of fights or anything but it's just time. It is true that we as humans are murderers because the one thing that we inevitably kill is time. T.I.M.E

Time is something so precious that once its gone its never coming back. Firstly, it isn't only me but all of us. We are all growing up. Look at me, this time next year I will be graduating and that's it, SAYONARA REPUBLIC POLY!

Then what? Only me? Hell no! Asswipe has already been enlisted in NS. While he will be going into his second year, a few others will be going into their first. We have our weekly meet-up session for now and of course birthday celebrations and all. But I kinda miss the days where we had lesser worries. When we were younger and just more.. CAREFREE! I miss that a lot. Even something as simple as a meet-up could be done almost ASAP and it was hassle-free. Look at all of us now..each of us are finding the time to meet-up. Maybe just maybe, it hasn't fully kicked in because it's just a handful or lesser number of people who are occupied. What happens to when it becomes almost everybody?! It is still my holidays but ever since moving out and all, working has to be a priority for me, especially since I went a WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT A JOB! Haish.. I am scared that I myself will drift apart.

These thoughts are coming to me just because I have been assigned to work 6 days next week. I know, it's CRAZY! But I just NEED the money now. And what will happen, I will miss the weekly meet-up session with the guys and I really HATE that!!!! But on the bright side (in a way), after this week, it's just 2 more week of holidays and then back to school life. Work and all will play a part stil but I am sure it'll be a little more flexible..HOPEFULLY! 
*Fingers Kept Crossed*

Sometimes I wished that life would just slow down a little. I am constantly stressed up that life is moving so fast. I feel like last year happened all too quickly, to a point I do not fully remember being 18! Ok, I do remember the good and bad things that happened. I mean last year was a really rocky roller coaster ride but I made it, we all made it. And just when you want to enjoy a little more... this thing called responsibilities comes knocking on your door.

You simply cannot deny that growing up gives us more life responsibilities. Sometimes I wish I could be an irresponsible prick. But me being me and sometimes pretty ambitious don't really slack off completely. Well I do, occasionally but when I do get back on track, I give it my all.

I guess all that I can wish for would be that no matter what we have on, no matter if sometimes we just have to miss out on outings or celebrations because of more important matters, I guess priorities are really essential. Because I strongly believe that even if you are the BUSIEST person alive.. if you have your PRIORITIES set straight, and if that for example is family, you will MAKE TIME for them. 

I know for sure I will always have The NiggAPACHE as one of my top priorities and I sure do hope they do the same. I do not want the madness, epicness, fun, sheer fuckery to end just because we let time control us instead of managing it and making time for one another.



BFFs

Society has this thinking that a guy and a girl can't be just friends. I have no idea why is this so. I never fully agreed to this, I think it is perfectly fine. You see it is COMPLETELY different to have a best friend from the same gender and to have a best friend from the opposite gender.

Whatever I may say at this section, well some of you may not agree but this is just me and my honest opinion.

I have ALWAYS wanted a guy & a girl best friend. Problem was.. for the girl part, it always somehow ended up being one sided which just left me feeling all broken because I thought the other party would consider me as theirs too but I was wrong. This has been the same thing ever since primary school. Then guy best friends..well my first was in secondary school and I thought like hey! Finally.. and then POOF! Shit just had to happened. If it was the normal kinda feelings part, I would've said ok. I do not want to mention names or anything. But after a traumatic incident that took place 3 years back, who I thought would be there for me having my back and a shoulder to cry on..ended up turning against me and asking me for something which I think is honestly too precious to give it to just anyone. 

Well, what happened? I refused and that was it. Our friendship which I had valued and treasured just exploded into a thousand pieces of meteorite and it just ended. I was devastated as now not only had I lost my guy best friend and not have any girl one too.. I was just feeling all alone and lost as I thought a girl like me could just never get any best friend. Any at all.

I honestly never did fantasize so much about being in a relationship or having flowers and such being bought for me. I have always dreamed of travelling the world with my best friend and doing the craziest shit. That to me was something I was in search for more than anything...a true friend. 

Eventually I stopped looking at accepted the fact that maybe I am just someone who's meant to have friends but not a BFF. And that was when things took a turn. With that, a relationship happened and also a complicated BFF story.

From the start, Nini and I clicked. Not sure was it because she was the only other girl in the group or something else. But I have never met someone like her. The girls I had met in my life were all so different and I loved her for that. Somehow our friendship blossomed and yea I would say that I finally have my best friend and she's a girl! Hooray! Babes / Bitches for life.

But.. does the story end here? Well, I can go on literally forever how Nini is but to sum it all up she is practically my sister. Remember how I said girl besties and guy besties are different. To me, girls they are simple, we can do SOO MUCH together, so much girl stuff that you can never quite do with a guy. I mean come on! Only one girl will truly feel the pain of another girl's cramps. They are literally your sisters from another mother. That just describes them completely. Sisters! Guys.. as in guy besties are different. They play so many roles in your life. 

They listen to your problems like they are your best friend. 
They annoy you like they are your brother.
They are protective over you just like a father would be.
They love you in the way a lover would.
Their hugs brings you all the love and comfort and they can't bear to see you cry.

Guys.. they are such different creatures. When I was still in a relationship..well I met my ex the same time I got to know Asswipe. Why the name Asswipe, It;s a long story! But The NiggAPACHE knows and y'all can just leave it as it is and continue reading if y'all want. So Asswipe and I had this weird connection. Nono stop right there if you think it was romance! It was just this click. I somehow clicked to him the most over the other guys and I have no idea how. 

Because of my ex, I got closer to Asswipe in a way. Trust me the more I got the know Asswipe, the more I felt like he was "The One". NONONO! Once again NOT in a romantic way. After my secondary school experience, I finally felt that I had found My Guy Best Friend. I was elated but never did I wanted to overwhelm him by letting him know that I thought of him as my Guy BFF.

Because of my past relationship, it was honestly tough to get closer to any guy. And moreover a guy I wanted to know more about because I felt like he really was my best friend. He has been there countless times when I needed him and I wanted to be there for him too. But sometimes having a conversation with him for 5 minutes placed a huge strain on my relationship. Long story short. My relationship ended and Asswipe and I became best friends.

The only problem was..feelings. Feelings just had to happen and screw things up. It left a great hole in the group. You honestly have no control over who you end up having feelings for. But I guarantee you this wasn't planned. I am not joking or lying when I say that friendship still means the world to me. Asswipe and I messed up big time that we want to make amends and slowly sew that hole up that's in the group.

He and I even talked and I am glad we agreed on being best friends. But why does it feel that I can't do that. Like I said in the beginning of this blog post, it is almost or it may have even been 8 months.. I know it is not as if it's 5 years. I know it is going to be really tough to gain everybody's trust back but why do I feel like every little thing I do, I am being scrutinized or judged.

Why is it fine, if I text or hug any guy in the group but it becomes a problem if I do the exact same thing with Asswipe. I just wished every single member of the group will slowly become cool with the idea that he and I are just friends. But the problem is he isn't just a hi-bye friend but my closest best guy friend. It's hard for me to always act like its normal when I see him but then I can't be close and have to monitor every single thing I do.. A simple touch can lead to so many drama that I am genuinely afraid to even touch him or go anywhere near him.

When will it come when everyone will be fine with the idea that if I ever said "Hey guys, I'm going with Asswipe to have an ice cream. Wanna join?" And if any rejection happens it is because they are busy and not because they think they are intruding some sort of a date because it is not.

I know I messed up big time. I am really trying to make amends. I had feelings, I am not going to lie. To be honest, I still do. But I will not let it get in the way of just being friends with him. I will never want to ever do anything to hurt the group ever again. If it means, not getting into a relationship with him, I really won't. And it is not like we planned to anyway. All I am asking is to give me a chance to show you that we are just friends.. and honestly best friends. 

Give us a chance to show that a guy and a girl can just be best friends. I would love and would be hoping for a time to come where I can be really comfortable around him in all of your presence without having the worry that if I were to give him even a high five or share my food or something small like that.. all I can hope is a big fuss won't be made out of it.

Please.. I am not asking for an approval to be with some Prince Charming or to live a fairytale. Maybe I want to just make my dream come true. The dream of friendship. The dream of having a group of inseparable friends.. well you guys have given me that. The dream of having a girl best friend.. well you guys have also given me that. As I am never more happier to say that Sharlini is my BFF! I know it is a lot to ask, but this is the only thing I will ever ask for from any of you guys.. please give me my guy best friend back. Just because we messed up, please don't take away our efforts of trying to amend things. I am really not asking for an acceptance of any kind of relationship except friendship. Please just give me asswipe back.. 

All I want is my best friend. Don't take him away from me and have me put up a facade that I don't miss him as a BFF. I just want my friend and to be able to me myself around him with all of y'all around, I just don't want to have this wall up. You guys always wanted honesty, and here I am being a little coward typing every single heartfelt thought out instead of just telling it to y'all.

I guess I am just scared. Scared to the bone that if I ever ask for this out loud.. I will stir up another problem and I just don't want that to happen. I have caused enough trouble and damage.

Maybe I am asking for a lot. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for making The NiggAPACHE lose a valuable member,, and the price I pay is really high. It cost me my best friend. 

Well I have finally typed all that I have wanted to type out months ago. You have no idea the amount of relieve I have. I have finally taken the step to let my problems go. I've cried it out. I've jogged it out, in fact I am typing the last two sections from this post after the run and now I am writing it out.

In a span of 2 days I guess.. but it is worthy. For those of you who actually bothered to read everything.. I really wonder why. I am just a girl here penning down my thoughts and unlike my usual happy updates of my life, this is just built up and piled up problems.

Sorry if I had hurt anyone in the past 19 years of my life. I am really trying to make amends to everyone that I've hurt and everything that I have messed up.


I can guarantee you that the next blog would not be so lengthy or sappy.


Till then,
From an initially broken girl to a girl who's just trying to make up for her wrongdoings, continue fighting and stay strong..

xoxo
Farhana Mazlan

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