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As 2015 is coming to an end and we are welcoming 2016, I do not want to start this upcoming new year with any form of negativity at all. I want to let it all out and just let it go. I want to be in peace although inner peace is tough to attain.
A few things have took place this year that I am in a way thankful for. I am thankful as to me they are life lessons that I have learnt from.
This picture above makes me wish that things can go back to how they were 2 or even 3 years ago. But that's life. We make mistakes. We learn from it and the people around us, their reactions, we accept them, deal with them, try to convince them to give us another chance and we hold on to that. Some nights I wish I could go back in life, not to change shit, just to feel a couple things twice. But then again, I like that life is a progress, it keeps you moving forward.
Recently things happened, my best friend's parents accepted me and even allowed me to be his friend. It was not that simple and a lot of things took place before that for it to even happened. Honestly, Dalan even thought I would just leave him and throw our friendship away. Here's the thing, "best friend" is not just words, it's a bond. We promised to have each other's back no matter what and whatever that had taken place, already did. It is time to forgive, forget, move on and be there for each other.
The whole thing with Sakthiish and all, it has been more than a year since the whole problem and I still do beat myself about it every single day of my life. I have never felt more sorry or guilty for what I've done. I am happy to know that you're doing better and only hope that you'll be getting better and happier with life and your loved ones. Even if you want to have nothing to do with me, at least know that in dire need, you still have the NiggAPACHE for you.
The most recent issue I encountered was with Sharlini. I rather not elaborate on the issue here. The NiggAPACHE knows about it and that's all there's needed to know. All I can say is there's a thing, family always forgives and accepts, if that doesn't happen, they weren't your family to start off with, even though you may think of them as yours as certain things in life are one sided.
I was told by a good friend of mine that certain people treat others as disposable objects. I could not agree more to this statement. At a point of time, well, up till a week ago, I was having a mentality that I will do my very best to hold on to everyone and even the ones who seem to be leaving. But after a while I thought about things and told myself, I am no longer going to be forcing anyone anymore. After things were said to me... I just realized that some people will never change.
If all you've done is to show them gratitude and did your best to make them happy and all you do is speak highly about them, and what they do is, talk behind your back constantly, never ever felt appreciated, is never going to forgive, and is going to keep on harping on your mistakes instead of thinking about the few good things you've done, you can't do anything.
It's been more than a year, I am tired of crying myself to sleep every night, I am tired of hurting myself, I am tired of all these that instead of hurting myself anymore, I should start by slowly forgiving myself. It'll be really hard but if I can't do that, the least I could do is to learn to look past it.
If you are reading this Sharlini, then know that I'll still be here for you no matter what. As long as you need me or want me, I'll be here for you.
I used to think that I'll always be here till you really had enough of me and want me out for good. Till then, I can't and won't just succumb to losing you. But now that I know that you want me out for good, I will respect your decision and just back off. Since it makes you happy, I'll at least do that. The least I could do is to make you happy, so if me being out of your life is what you want, you'll have it. No more bugging from me, I promise.
I won't disturb you with asking you out or wanting to spend time with you. I will do my best to not let ties get cut or friendships ending. If replacing is going to happen, so be it. And in your case, it surely has been done.
All I ever ask of you is to think of the guys. The guys who had did you nothing but good and who has been there for you. At least keep them in your life. Especially one guy in particular, he is so nice and has been through so many of your tough times which apparently I was the cause for. He deserves nothing but the best so the least you could do is to treasure him and not replace him. I am sure you know that I am talking about Vinod.
I know you're a nice person and you would not have the heart to do it. And it's nice to see you talking to the others at least.
I used to think that I'll always be here till you really had enough of me and want me out for good. Till then, I can't and won't just succumb to losing you. But now that I know that you want me out for good, I will respect your decision and just back off. Since it makes you happy, I'll at least do that. The least I could do is to make you happy, so if me being out of your life is what you want, you'll have it. No more bugging from me, I promise.
I won't disturb you with asking you out or wanting to spend time with you. I will do my best to not let ties get cut or friendships ending. If replacing is going to happen, so be it. And in your case, it surely has been done.
All I ever ask of you is to think of the guys. The guys who had did you nothing but good and who has been there for you. At least keep them in your life. Especially one guy in particular, he is so nice and has been through so many of your tough times which apparently I was the cause for. He deserves nothing but the best so the least you could do is to treasure him and not replace him. I am sure you know that I am talking about Vinod.
I know you're a nice person and you would not have the heart to do it. And it's nice to see you talking to the others at least.
I love you so much and care for you, Aby, Ashley, Cookie and your fam a whole lot. But I guess, since I am supposed to be out of your life for good, I should leave them alone too as it would not be right. All I can say is, thank you. For the 2 years + of friendships, and the past 9 months of welcoming me. Maybe one day, you'll find somewhere in your heart to forgive and accept me. If not, it's fine.
To me, you'll always be the girl whom I was friends with, and a sister with for a point of time at least. Be happy. If there's anything at all, I am here. If not, it's as if I am non-existent. I hope you and your family finds happiness and are just bonded and celebrating each other's company along with your new addition, brownie. Have fun with the guys, your friends and your loved ones.
If one thing this year, and especially these past few weeks has taught me, it is to treasure the ones that are here, appreciate the ones who were there. Be there for your loved ones and be thankful for all the times they were there for you. Make them happy, but don't lose your happiness in the process.
To me, you'll always be the girl whom I was friends with, and a sister with for a point of time at least. Be happy. If there's anything at all, I am here. If not, it's as if I am non-existent. I hope you and your family finds happiness and are just bonded and celebrating each other's company along with your new addition, brownie. Have fun with the guys, your friends and your loved ones.
If one thing this year, and especially these past few weeks has taught me, it is to treasure the ones that are here, appreciate the ones who were there. Be there for your loved ones and be thankful for all the times they were there for you. Make them happy, but don't lose your happiness in the process.
Thank them. love them, cherish them. If they really want to go, this time round, I won't stop. I'll wish them all the best and nothing but happiness. This goes for anyone in my life. If I am such a burden, I apologize. This time, I won't hold on to y'all. Y'all are free to go.
I wanted to end this blog with something really personal to me. This last bit is for myself to read, years down the road and feel proud of myself.
When I was 16, an incident occurred to be which made me have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). After a while, without me knowing I had depression.
I know what will you be thinking. Hey, everybody has it right? Once in a while and so on. How I wish, mine was as such. The depression that I had only gotten worse over the years. I refused to admit that I had it as I choose to think that I was a pretty happy girl. All those nights of having those breakdowns, meltdowns, panic attacks. Those weren't just what I thought as normal.
I hid it from everyone that I knew. I went to the doctor, and let's say I had been on anti-depressants for quite a while. Yea, it's funny thinking about it now. That a girl like me who HATES taking medications, has to rely on these medicines. But that was how I got through it. That was the only way I could carry on with another day in my life.
So many nights I've done stupid things. But here's the thing. I had utterly no control over what I did. I just beat myself down with so many harsh words, I think of every single wrong thing I've done as a kid up till now. I think of all those times I've hurt people and I felt so worthless. I felt like I was nothing and I was honestly better of dead, as then, I would at least not burden people anymore. I hated the sight of myself. I've sat at the edge of the highest places I could find and just contemplating.
I thought that my family would be better off without me. I thought that the NiggAPACHE would be back to how it was before I came into their lives and ruined it for them.
A month back.. unknowingly without having any form of self control, I once again was in possession of a penknife. I was trying so hard to stop myself. If only I could explain what went through me, how I felt at that moment. It was so horrible. The pills did not help one bit. I managed to not cut my neck but slit my wrist instead. Looking at the scar now, I'm honestly ashamed of myself.
This depression got so bad when I was with my family, when I had the problem with Sakthiish, when I felt unwanted by the group, when I thought Suraj was going to leave the NiggAPACHE, when I moved out, when I was picked on in school, when Sharlini does not want me in her life anymore. These are just some of the things. I do not want to go into details and stir up horribly painful memories.
All I can say now is that I am better. I am no longer on medication. I was once told, "it's all in the mind, Mind over matter." It is true, however it is really tough but not impossible at all.
Without knowing my issues, Dalan, you've helped me in so many ways. You've been the bestest friend anyone could have ever asked for. Without knowing all these, the NiggAPACHE has been there for me and I sincerely can't thank y'all enough.
I hate to say this. But I feel my relationship with my family is much better and stronger especially since I've moved out. I still do miss y'all though.
Days, Weeks, Months, Years, Decades later when I chance upon this blog post, I will think of the following few things.
1. I was once a part of this amazing group called The NiggAPACE (I sure as hell wish I would still be a part of y'all)
2. I can only hope that The NiggAPACHE would have expanded by then, in a good way.
3. I love my family to bits and want y'all to be truly happy.
4. I was once close to this girl called Sharlini and her family. And she was like a sister to me. Although all those good times have ended, I will forever remember and replay them and wish her and her family happiness.
5. I actually overcame my years of depression and this time around, I will not allow myself to succumb to being a prey to that. No matter how hard things get, always remember that, there is someone out there who has it tougher than you and who is doing way better. If they can overcome their problems, so can you.
6. Never would I have ever imagined to have found a best friend from the opposite gender especially due to past experiences. But I have never been more blessed to be able to have you, Dalan, in my life. You are the kind of best friend that I wish everyone had a chance to meet and be with in their lives. Just remember, we've always got each others backs ok?
7. Appreciate the little things you have in life and be thankful to the people who still stick by you after shit has happened. Be really grateful for them and treasure them for life.
8. Nothing lasts forever. This includes relationships. But we can always make it a point to try make it last for as long as we can. When someone has their ego sky high, you apologize. Even if it wasn't your fault. If someone never is the one who makes the first move, you go ahead. You ask for forgiveness especially if you value that person. For someone who shows to you that they are fine with you but constantly talks behind your back about things they'll never have courage to say to your face, so be it. Whatever is it, NEVER EVER EVER stoop so low as to do something you'll never be proud of.
9. Life is short. It is all about forgiving and forgetting. Do not live life with regrets, hatred, grudges. Move on. It sure as hell will be hard. But you have to know that you're stronger than you think. You're stronger than you know. Why you ask? Because, you'll never really know how strong you are until being strong is the only option left for you. Don't cling on and latch on. Do that, but eventually you have to learn to let go. If people do not want you in their lives, and you've fought long and hard for it, know where you stand. "If life can remove someone you never dreamed of losing, it can replace them with someone you never dreamt of having." This is really true. We are just a tiny part of this huge planet. We have yet to meet half the people in our lives. Fret not. People come, people go. The right ones will stay. And the right ones are always family. Be it blood related or not.
I wanted to end this blog with something really personal to me. This last bit is for myself to read, years down the road and feel proud of myself.
When I was 16, an incident occurred to be which made me have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). After a while, without me knowing I had depression.
I know what will you be thinking. Hey, everybody has it right? Once in a while and so on. How I wish, mine was as such. The depression that I had only gotten worse over the years. I refused to admit that I had it as I choose to think that I was a pretty happy girl. All those nights of having those breakdowns, meltdowns, panic attacks. Those weren't just what I thought as normal.
I hid it from everyone that I knew. I went to the doctor, and let's say I had been on anti-depressants for quite a while. Yea, it's funny thinking about it now. That a girl like me who HATES taking medications, has to rely on these medicines. But that was how I got through it. That was the only way I could carry on with another day in my life.
So many nights I've done stupid things. But here's the thing. I had utterly no control over what I did. I just beat myself down with so many harsh words, I think of every single wrong thing I've done as a kid up till now. I think of all those times I've hurt people and I felt so worthless. I felt like I was nothing and I was honestly better of dead, as then, I would at least not burden people anymore. I hated the sight of myself. I've sat at the edge of the highest places I could find and just contemplating.
I thought that my family would be better off without me. I thought that the NiggAPACHE would be back to how it was before I came into their lives and ruined it for them.
A month back.. unknowingly without having any form of self control, I once again was in possession of a penknife. I was trying so hard to stop myself. If only I could explain what went through me, how I felt at that moment. It was so horrible. The pills did not help one bit. I managed to not cut my neck but slit my wrist instead. Looking at the scar now, I'm honestly ashamed of myself.
This depression got so bad when I was with my family, when I had the problem with Sakthiish, when I felt unwanted by the group, when I thought Suraj was going to leave the NiggAPACHE, when I moved out, when I was picked on in school, when Sharlini does not want me in her life anymore. These are just some of the things. I do not want to go into details and stir up horribly painful memories.
All I can say now is that I am better. I am no longer on medication. I was once told, "it's all in the mind, Mind over matter." It is true, however it is really tough but not impossible at all.
Without knowing my issues, Dalan, you've helped me in so many ways. You've been the bestest friend anyone could have ever asked for. Without knowing all these, the NiggAPACHE has been there for me and I sincerely can't thank y'all enough.
I hate to say this. But I feel my relationship with my family is much better and stronger especially since I've moved out. I still do miss y'all though.
Days, Weeks, Months, Years, Decades later when I chance upon this blog post, I will think of the following few things.
1. I was once a part of this amazing group called The NiggAPACE (I sure as hell wish I would still be a part of y'all)
2. I can only hope that The NiggAPACHE would have expanded by then, in a good way.
3. I love my family to bits and want y'all to be truly happy.
4. I was once close to this girl called Sharlini and her family. And she was like a sister to me. Although all those good times have ended, I will forever remember and replay them and wish her and her family happiness.
5. I actually overcame my years of depression and this time around, I will not allow myself to succumb to being a prey to that. No matter how hard things get, always remember that, there is someone out there who has it tougher than you and who is doing way better. If they can overcome their problems, so can you.
6. Never would I have ever imagined to have found a best friend from the opposite gender especially due to past experiences. But I have never been more blessed to be able to have you, Dalan, in my life. You are the kind of best friend that I wish everyone had a chance to meet and be with in their lives. Just remember, we've always got each others backs ok?
7. Appreciate the little things you have in life and be thankful to the people who still stick by you after shit has happened. Be really grateful for them and treasure them for life.
8. Nothing lasts forever. This includes relationships. But we can always make it a point to try make it last for as long as we can. When someone has their ego sky high, you apologize. Even if it wasn't your fault. If someone never is the one who makes the first move, you go ahead. You ask for forgiveness especially if you value that person. For someone who shows to you that they are fine with you but constantly talks behind your back about things they'll never have courage to say to your face, so be it. Whatever is it, NEVER EVER EVER stoop so low as to do something you'll never be proud of.
9. Life is short. It is all about forgiving and forgetting. Do not live life with regrets, hatred, grudges. Move on. It sure as hell will be hard. But you have to know that you're stronger than you think. You're stronger than you know. Why you ask? Because, you'll never really know how strong you are until being strong is the only option left for you. Don't cling on and latch on. Do that, but eventually you have to learn to let go. If people do not want you in their lives, and you've fought long and hard for it, know where you stand. "If life can remove someone you never dreamed of losing, it can replace them with someone you never dreamt of having." This is really true. We are just a tiny part of this huge planet. We have yet to meet half the people in our lives. Fret not. People come, people go. The right ones will stay. And the right ones are always family. Be it blood related or not.
10. Smile! You don't own all of the problems in the world. I'll be turning 20 in less than a month. In a decade's time, I'll be 30. When I have kids, I don't only want to tell them sad stories. In my almost 20 years in this world, I've been through so much that I felt they were blessings or lessons. I could'n't be more thankful for the opportunities I have been given. I am here to cherish what I already have lived, and to make more beautiful memories from now on with my loved ones.
With these 10 take-aways, I hope it has not only helped me but also the person reading this. Do know something...
IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I THINK YOU'RE AMAZING. IF NO ONE ELSE THINKS SO, AT LEAST KNOW THAT OUT OF 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD, YOU HAVE AT LEAST 2 PEOPLE WHO THINKS YOU ARE AWESOME! THE FIRST BEING ME. THE SECOND, HAS TO BE YOU. DON'T DOUBT YOURSELF. YOU'RE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. NOW, SMILE!
Well, this would be my last post of 2015. Once again thank you to everyone who actually read my blogs. I still am in shock that a nobody like me has over 10,600+ views. It is truly heartwarming.
People will now know who the Mazlans are and even the NiggAPACHE. And this will even be a reminder for myself in the future if I ever for a second forget what to be thankful for.
Now, it's time to wish you my readers, a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Don't start on all those crappy resolutions. You don't have to set goals only at the start of the year but have a big goal in mind and many mini goals along the way to achieve it. All the best and I am sure if you put your heart into it, you're bound to achieve it. Just like Fort Minor sang:
10% Luck
20%
Skill
15% Concentrated Power of Will,
5% Pleasure,
50% Pain,
and 100% Reason
to Remember the Name.
With this, have an enjoyable and memorable New Year with your loved ones. Party hard and HAVE FUN!!
It is going to be 2016!
P.S: Just realized I'll be turning 20 on the 16th. WHAT?! hahaha
Till next time, next year,
<May 2016 be a year filled with hope, happiness, endless possibilities, love, and all things good>
xoxo
Farhana Mazlan
It is going to be 2016!
P.S: Just realized I'll be turning 20 on the 16th. WHAT?! hahaha
Till next time, next year,
<May 2016 be a year filled with hope, happiness, endless possibilities, love, and all things good>
xoxo
Farhana Mazlan
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