NiggAPACHE Turns 2

I am actually blogging this post months late. I am sitting here, in my office, at my workplace. Yup, it's the second day of my internship but more about that in another post. This is even from the company's laptop. HAHA

Oh well, The NiggAPACHE turned 2 this year on the 30th of April.

This was us... a year back...

And this is us this year.. 

The 10 of us decided to head over to Al Ameen and celebrate there with great food and MANDATORY Teh Tarik, EXTRA SWEET for me please? Hehe

Well, Why am I even posting this? Maybe I just miss all of it.. It's been a year, a whole year since problems and such has occurred. I was a main reason why a member who meant so much to not only me but everyone, left. 

This year it seems and it feels like another 2 is leaving or about to leave. They're still with us but are clearly only selective with outings. 

One of them.. Well let's just said, I've tried a lot. I've begged, I've pleaded, I did everything I could to gain everyone's trust back and in particular that person. Apparently, it's to no avail. I even went up and ask a question like "Will you ever just kick me out of your life?"

If someone, you've never intended to hurt but you hurt the and you're not only stopping with an apology but also trying to change to do everything you can to make things right.. that someone who means so much to you and you would do anything for.. the someone who can mistreat you as much as they want but you never see the bad side of them but instead always remind yourself of all the good times y'all had, of every single time they were there for you, of how truly amazing that person is, of how much you love and care for them... 

If such a person comes to you and say "You know how you used to say that people walked out on you, pushed you out and kicked you out of their lives? You know how you said you're used to it.. Well, just know one thing, if I ever do that, know that I am someone who won't do it without a reason."

When you hear that, how will that make you feel. I've been separated from friends mainly from distance. Meaning 2 of us go to a different school or something like that. This would be my first open distance. 

There is a believe, one of the hardest thing in life is deciding whether to continue to hold on and press on  or whether to let go..

Have you ever felt so in debt to someone, you let them treat you however they want because you know that you would never be able to repay them for all the times they were there for you and how much they've welcomed you and helped you when on normal terms not any stranger would?

Have you ever considered why some people just chooses to hold on to the past and cling on to that soo much that they constantly overlook every single thing that you've done for them but dwell on the problems and hurt you brought them? 

Well, this was thought about after many uncountable sleepless nights, many crying moments, many panic attacks. If you want to put up a fight to keep someone, GO FOR IT! But if it's always going to be you.. always going to be you apologizing and the one trying and to patch things up.. after a while not only them but even you get tired.

That is when you let go. Nope, Don't get me wrong. I don't mean let go of them but if they want you out, if they want to let go of you, you have to let go too. Let go, accept it and move on. It sure as hell will be hard. There will be a HUGE ASS hole in your heart just ripped out when they kick you out but time heals everything. You have to learn to let go of the idea of letting the person who wants to let you go, just let you go.

Haha, so many let go in a sentence, I'm starting to feel a little like Elsa. 

Well, it's tough but I am prepared for any hardships that come my way. Some people have it waaaaaayyyyyyy more tougher than me and if they emerge victorious, I should use that as an inspiration. I do not want to lose any of my loved ones. I will fight with all the might I have in me to keep them. But if they are insistent with not wanting to have to do with me.. shouldn't I at least grant them their desires and happiness.

I never did say that I will walk out. If ever for any reason, anything at all, they need me and they decide to call me or something, I most definitely will drop all that I'm doing and go to them. 

But at the rate of how things are, for now at least, I seem pretty replaceable. I am fine with it. I'm done with the crying and feeling left out. If they want to be with someone else, you know what? Be with them. To me, as long as they are happy. Will I try to still involve them, even though I'm most likely to be rejected, YES! Will I still be a part of their lives if they want me to? YES!!!!! If they don't, then I'll just do me and wish for nothing but happiness for them.

The other party out of the 2 is similar yet different. That person has also been there for me countless of times and I miss that person's company and presence a whole lot. However, the reasons for wanting to distance themselves is rather different. One was because of the main problem that caused a member to leave last year and all the problems after that has a link to this main one.

The other just feels picked on, unimportant and inferior. I would say as friends, it's normal for us to make jokes of one another and mess around. Usually people don't take it to heart unless it's something really personal or it went overboard. 

I guess this person just had had enough. What I believe this person doesn't know is that, ALL the jokes made by every single one of us was PURELY meant as a joke and nothing more. Up till now, it's a little hurtful to see this person being okay with a few of the guys in the group and not the rest. 

Well, both the people like I said are similar, yet different.

Who am I to say anything right? I was after all the girl who messed things up BIG TIME for this group and caused so much of problems. All I can say is after this, I can only try my best, but I no longer will force. 

For example outings. I'll ask, I'll invite. Be it 1-1 or a whole group. If he/she wants to come, I honestly wouldn't be happier. But if they don't, I no longer will plead.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being heartless here and go all "FUCK THIS SHIT!" and then stomp out. It's more like, you know your efforts, you know all that you've done. If they really don't wanna get involve, you don't force them to. No one should be forced to do anything. 

Usually for the past god knows how many outings, there's 5-6, if we are lucky maybe 7-8 of us. I am so used to seeing that. Am I happy? Nope. Would I want the two people to be more involved? Yes! But.... if they find that something outside of The NiggAPACHE, keeps them way more happier, then I would want them to be happy. Or if they simply are unhappy with me or the problem and would rather meet only a few people in this group then it's fine too.

So if that's the case, I'm going to just let go. Life is really too short. I've committed a great mistake. I've apologized, repented, did all that I can do to make things right. The only thing I refused to do would be to just ignore my best friend. 

Everyone if not most people have 2 best friends. One from the same gender and one from the opposite. I was fortunate enough to have both. I would never in a zillion years, ever want to forgo my best friends. Even if it means making one friend happy... because true friends will never ask you to pick.

Here I am, or have been pleading for friendship and that's not fair. I was not asking for a relationship here, just friendship. Be it my girl or guy best friend, I will forever be there for them no matter what and as long as they need me. If anyone of them wants me out of their lives for good, I'll respect that and move away. That doesn't mean I'll stop trying to still ask them like "Hey, you wanna go grab a drink or something?" or even "Hey, wanna catch a movie or do something fun?"

Best friend to me is a LIFELONG commitment and you just do not forgo that so easily.

As for the others, I cannot thank y'all enough to want to make NiggAPACHE possible and also for turning up for all these outings.

I really hope our friendship does not only last for years but a lifetime. Just like I have my particular best friends, everybody should have an extra super close group of friends who are practically family.

You all will forever be my family. The NiggAPACHE my Ohana for life. 

Your relationship with your family will not just stop so easily just because of distance.I mean it when I say I'll be there for y'all. I'll be there for the good/crazy/epic/fun times and I am here for y'all if y'all ever need a listening ear, a friend for advise, a crying shoulder (although my shoulders aren't that nice) or even a hug! I'm a hugger!!! haha

Anything at all, I just from the bottom of my heart want this group to sustain and all of us to remain friends. But, more than that, what matters to me is your happiness. If some of y'all find happiness elsewhere and wanna just move on, go ahead. Hopefully, y'all won't forget the rest of us.

For those who want to leave for good, no one is going to force anyone anymore. It is purely your choice. Just don't blame some of us who out of courtesy still invite you or even wan to go out with just you time to time.

I am truly sorry, I already plead guilty that I will try. But don't mistake this for forcing, cuz even if it's rejection, I'll accept it.

Only thing is, you have to be happy and don't worry I know you'll be.

To the amazing guy.. who has left us for more than a year.. I hope time to time you still keep in contact with some of the people who were also there for you in your time of need. I hope you are happy with wherever you are. I hope you're only on better terms with your family and loved ones. You're a great guy and there would never be a day that I'll ever forget about you.

I still want you happy and I'm so sorry I caused you so much sadness. I hope some day you'll forgive me. If you want to be part of the group ever, and if what's stopping you is me.. let me know. I'll back off. Never throw or sacrifice your loved ones. 

To the 2 people, it is truly heartwarming to see y'all being with us, I wouldn't say more but at the very least attending something which was not a birthday. Why is it so heartwarming? Because our dear Don will be be in Sweden for 2 months and that was kinda the last outing he'll have before he goes and the reason y'all turned up, only goes to show how much y'all care about him.

I personally think that it's not right to show your temper to other people due to unhappiness with another person. Then again, sometimes it's tough because everyone is there and it makes you mad and you'll just lose your mood. I can only hope the tension eases up and things get better. 

All the 9..to me it's still 10, the 10 of you mean a lot. I really love you guys and I hope we'll reach a point of understanding, supporting each other, openness, acceptance, and just love of friendship as we are The NiggAPACHE aren't we? I really hope we work things out and this unsolved problems and issues that we may have among each other be really talked out as things have been going on for over a year. It's better to clear things out and clear the air.

*Raises an invisible glass*

Here's to more happy days, fun moments, bondings, outing, love, laughter & FUCKERY!!!!

With all these being said, Happy 2nd Anniversary to The NiggAPACHE and cheers to many many many more years of friendship, love, epic moments, fun memories and just sheer joy!

P.S: Sorry for the super late post. Although I was done with this on Tuesday, I could only find time to edit and post it today.

P.P.S: I did not come here to pin point problems or to start another one. I merely wanted to share what's in my mind and I tend to feel better after penning things down or in this case, typing and blogging.

I didn't mean to hurt or offend anyone in this post.

I LOVE YOU GUYS TO BITS!

#NiggAPACHE4Life

xoxo

Just a small town girl from The NiggAPACHE,

Farhana Mazlan