Mama- A woman who is the Queen of my heart

Mama, a.k.a Nisa:

My mother taught me about the power of inspiration and courage, and she did it with a strength and a passion that I wish could be bottled. Aaahhh, mama..where do I start..You are a woman whom I truly look up to.

Mama sometimes I wish that you could understand the modern times, the 21st century. I'm not asking you to change your beliefs, your morals or traditions but to be more open-minded.

When growing up, you bought for your oldest and youngest daughter toys like race cars, leggo, play-doh and all, you dressed them up in blue in green. Why is it that you dressed me up like a total girl? Pink dresses, red handbags, flower headbands? I am not saying that I do not love them (in fact up till now, although i adore colors like silver, turquoise and all, my utmost fav is still PINK), but why the difference? 

I have always wanted a Barbie doll, just one..but you claim that they were satanic and I ended up making my own toys. You did not stop me from singing, dancing or acting. In fact you cheered when a lil 5-year-old me became the center of attention for Uncle Bakar's wedding..I was dancing, loving it..you didn't stop me. I got a huge make-up table with accessories from Uncle Shariff when i turned 7..I became a life-size doll for Fazilah..you didn't stop me in fact you thought I was adorable. I liked experimenting with your make-up..although you don't wear heels, your slippers had a higher edge, like wedges. When i wore them..you didn't stop me. I loved reading books like the Tiara Club, Zodiac girls and magazines like Dolly, Bratz and Elle..you didn't stop me..I wanted to learn to sew and design clothes & accesories..I did them on paper dolls i made..you gave the equipment and bought me the beads set and..you didn't stop me. You loved it that your daughter was growing up..blossoming to be a lady..you didn't stop me..I wanted to learn to cook and bake especially cupcakes and cookies..you bought the ingredients and said "Go on, bake!"..you didn't stop me..When i watched TV programmes like My litle pony, Winx Club, Strawberry Shortcake..you went awwwww..and you didn't stop me.. 

I, from young was a girl who would get bored really fast..I like fun..adventure..exploring. When you kept me in the house to play, my boundaries were limited..seeing both my sisters having fun with their scooters at the playground made me felt "Hey, this isn't quite that fair." This was what that triggered the little rebel in me. I never wanted to make you sad..all i wanted to do was to explore..to be free..to not be tied down. I started going to the playground, playing with boys. Without me knowing, I became the best kid at the monkey-bars. I would have never discovered that had I not when out..the only interaction with boys I had was with cousin brothers..every other boy, you'd restrict me from talking to them. As i grew up seeing my sisters and myself being treated differently, I started to sense a pang of biasness. Yet, I did not voice out anything as I did not wanted you hurt.

As I grew older, you restricted me even more. When I was 8 and wanted to join Ballet, you said no, not because you couldn't afford but because you said that ballet  the clothes were too revealing and guys will end up touching you. When I was 9, you said stop wasting your time watching pointless cartoon shows, when I swapped to reality series, you said not to watch TV as it corrupts my mind. When I was 10, you said "Don't Cook!" Instead you said I should focus on my studies and not waste time in pointless cooking. When I wanted to sing, dance or act, you said I sucked at all 3 and should just stop wasting my time and do something more constructive like housework. You knew I always had an interest in fashion and modelling, yet you told me that I would never stand a chance as I was too short and ugly. I was still a kid..a growing child in fact. By the time I was 12..I was already 175cm..a good 5 foot 9 inches..my facial features were starting to develop more..you still discouraged me as you said I wouldn't stand a chance in an industry that has soo many other more attractive girls. I was a severely obese kid .. I was weighing 90kg! I came home crying to you saying that my school kids were mocking me, teasing me, insulting me..I would never forget what you said.."Farhana,sometimes the truth will hurt. Let them say what they want to say. Let them insult you. Don't say anything back as I don't want you involved in a fight. Ignore them, they'll eventually be tired of mocking you and leave you alone." Those words shattered me even more..my own mum thought the insults were harsh but true. It pained me a lot.

I decided to make a change then. I decided to lose weight. Not go all anorexic or bulimic, but lose weight so that I could shut the mouths of those people who insulted me and also for me to be healthier. I tried..progressing bit by bit..(I'm 17 now..still 175cm but weigh like 56-57kg)..yea yea ppl will say OMG! Why are you still so heavy?! But hello?! I have heavy bones..plus my husband..will hopefully be a strong guy weighing like 75-80 kg..you know muscles and all..and when he is able to lift me up (sweep me of my feet hehe) I'll be the one smiling!

Mama, you hurt me tremendously after my PSLE results..I studied my butt off and got only 225..yea i get it..Fazilah didn't study but get 248..Woohoo!! clap clap for her.. I may not be the smartest daughter..and an  utter disappointment to you in fact..but i'll achieve something great..be really successful in the future and show you that yes..I did not do well in PSLE and O Levels (19 points)..but..I will show you that success is not merely based on academic achievements. A high IQ is not enough..all the greats have a high EQ..

When I joined the Elite Model Look in 2011, the only reason you allowed me was because you wanted me to experience rejection..but I made it to the semi-finals and was even offered a modelling contract from Elite! However, you discarded the contract by refusing to sign..I joined TNPNF in 2012..made it to the Top 50..(eliminated..sadly cuz no Indians even made it to the top 25..). To you modelling = nudity..change that concept ma! I'll not do nude shoots..but since you are unwilling to change that mentality of yours..modelling is like a full stop..haish

You have done so many good things for me..work tirelessly (she's 55..& working as a nurse) but sometimes I just wish you would be more even..treat your daughters with equality..I get it as a girl I'll need to do housework..but why do you always pile me up with all the chores..why do faz & rai get to go out with friends..come back late..buy & wear whatever they want but not me? I just wish some form of equality is shown mama..just a lil more..

I still love you and am truly blessed with all the mother-daughter time we spent (although not so much now :'(..I love you and you are like the #1 Mama in the world..don't work too long & hard..your daughters are getting older..it's time you rest & we look after you..