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I have finally decided to blog this. It's taken way too long.. If I wait any longer it would be 8 months and I guess it's just time that I do not want to not let this pain in me and burden on me grow any more. Even if it eases a little, it would do me good.
Funny how the weather depicts exactly how I feel now. It's a heavy downpour and just lightning and thunder every few minutes.
Well the reason why the blog is titled "Time Changes People", is because it does and in this 8 months so much has happened and so much more will too. This is going to be a lengthy blog and if you are expecting pictures or some happy paragraphs, I suggest you just close this tab. I am writing this for my sake to try to let it all out for once. Two things that make me feel better, jogging and writing and I've done the first, now for the latter to help me.
Break-Up
The people who are close to me or who at least know me know that I have broken up with my ex quite some time back. I do not have a string of relationships so I do not know how it ever feels like to go through a break up..but now I do.
For the NiggAPACHE who knows the problem knows that it was me who wanted it. Some may have understood my side of the story..some not so. Whatever the case, I just wanted to say that I am sorry to everyone that I have ever hurt and also to my ex.
All I can tell anyone out there, if you ever want to break up with someone over something so trivial, don't be so stupid and do it. But at the same time, if you ever want to break up with someone for something you know where its time to end things.. DON'T PROLONG IT! I cannot emphasize anymore how important it is to not prolong it. Trust me, you rather end things off early then to go on a year plus and maybe more and then have to end things off ugly.
I know only 2 people know this about me but there was never a day, never a moment I stopped thinking about you or how much I've hurt you. It was so much of grief and guilt. I guess it will never really go away till someday somehow I know you've found your happiness, real, true, genuine happiness.
What hurt me the most was not the break up but losing someone so important to me and in my life. I have fostered a friendship with you that was special, It wasn't a BFF one, it wasn't some lovey dovey one but it was just something special that I thought I could have forever until a relationship came in and ruined that friendship. A breakup with a boyfriend didn't hurt me as much as a breakup with a friend I had valued dearly. Seeing the NiggAPACHE go from 11 to 10 members because of me broke me down further knowing I was the cause.
Never was a time after your departure that I felt that, thanks to me the incompleteness will always be there.
I want to take this time to say that I am truly sorry for hurting you. I am sorry it had to end up like this. I am sorry that I hurt you when all you ever did was to love me. I am sorry after a while I lost my feelings but instead of telling things then, let it prolong thinking things will change and in the end leading to a painful breakup. I am sorry I made you cry. I am sorry because of me, you don't want to have much to do with The NiggAPACHE. I am sorry for causing all the family problems between yours and mine but at least now you are closer to them and I do hope you love and value them more. I am sorry for everything. I am sorry you had to have the unfortunate experience of having me be a part of your life at a point of time. I know it is hard, I know it'll take time but I can assure you for the kinda guy you are, a really nice girl to match up with your nice personality will come by and of course with your family's approval and all..but more importantly, I know you will find true happiness with that girl.
Moving Out
If you ever think moving out is an easy thing.. you cannot be more wrong. That is something I guarantee you. A lot of things you take granted for, now you will know the true value of them. For example, you can easily ask your parents for money to go down and buy something. I am sure you know what I mean like getting some chips or biscuits or even milk. Or, you can happily leave your room to go the hall and walk around half naked when only you're home or something because why?
You're COMFORTABLE that's why. Ever since moving out, the 2 of my biggest struggle.. finance and feeling at home. Financially I am supporting myself now. Thank heavens my school fees and all is being paid by my parents. But the rest? From prepaid card to concession monthly, to expenses like food and other stuff to finding the place and money to save up. It's really not easy.
Also why this post before my other one is because the job part. Well the hotel, yeap I am in the F&B sector..but the hotel I am working for decides to be so inconsistent that I have to seek to another agency to get a job. I am still with the hotel and all, it's just that for the time being (hopefully time being only) I need the agency.
When school starts..THANK GOD FOR BLOCK CLASSES!!!! RP students, y'all know what I'm talking about. Well going into Year 3 and I am blessed to have 3 block modules. So it really depends on the day and all, but I may have to end up working 2 - 3 times per week when school starts. Money doesn't just fall from the sky you see, you have to work for it.
Eating at lavish places and shopping for the fun of it and all has to be on hold because you just cannot afford to be spending carelessly. The good thing would be that you learn how to be thrifty, that's why a F&B part time job. (But more about this in another post)
Next, family and your sense of belonging. When I first moved out, although the people I am staying with are really the nicest and all..I could not help but feel outcasted and out of place. It's been 2 months plus since I've moved out and I am slowly adapting to everything. I know it will be hard. Because, before I know it, graduation and all and then time to find another place to stay and after that, it would just be migrating and so on.
Life keeps on moving. My family knows why I moved out and I believe they respect that. However the full reason would still be known by The NiggAPACHE. I do visit my family as much as I can on a weekly basis. I do miss their company and all but this is the path that I had chosen and I am going to pave my own way and live my life in a more positive and happy manner.
Regardless, if my family ever needs me for anything at all, I will be more than glad to go all out to help them in any way that I can. They have done so much for me and it is the least I could do.
Also, moving out inevitably teaches you independence. You have to be a strong, independent person but it is always fine to once in a while lean on somebody as a form of pillar of support when you need it. Late night talks with Sharlini and so on has helped me through many tough and suicidal times. Yeah..you read that right. But, I am all past that now and I want to be a happier person and I am going to go my way to getting that.
NiggAPACHE
Never once was I lying when I said that I considered The NiggAPACHE as my family. To me they were, they are and they will always be which was why it hurt when my ex left..because it was like losing a loved one, my own family. But it was for the better, his better and I want him to be happy no matter where he is. Obviously given a choice, I would want to remain friends and all but we all know where would that lead to and leaving him hurt was already bad and I couldn't afford to do anything even more harmful. Losing him, was losing something the most important relationship to me..friendship.
But I guess with him it never really did linger long enough in that zone. Everything was a rush. Every thing controlled. Well, never mind for all that.
The NiggAPACHE.. the group where I once felt like a complete outsider because I didn't attended the same secondary school as them. But you know what? Thank heavens. I mean it was really cool and all to hear all their stories but I now definitely liked the fact that I didn't attended the same school. Because I knew, that I would've known of their existence and all but wouldn't have been a part of them. I do have lovely friends from primary school, secondary school and even right now in polytechnic. But.. somehow it was never the kind of friendship I felt with these guys. This is something really special to me. A bond that I hope never ever breaks irregardless of anything.
With them, it is the kind of friendship that I want lasting like those you watch in movies. Years later, some even living in different parts of the countries or even the world but they always make time for one another and that friendship lasts forever and also those kind of friendship where their kid knows your kid and the kids grow up together also being great friends. I will never find a group of people like them, or feel like I am in a group with friends to an extent they become family. I do want to always make new friends wherever I go but I NEVER EVER want to lose touch and communication with The NiggAPACHE. It's like the saying, "There's no place like home." Similarly, "There's no other group of friends like The NiggAPACHE."
I love each and every one of the members from The NiggAPACHE with all my heart. I would do anything I can to see them happy. Gosh, I LOVE YOU GOOFBALLS!!!
Overthinking
This tends to be a woman's problem most of the time. For me, a lot of times, I worry A LOT about the future and I sometimes forget to live in the moment. One of my biggest fears would be that The NiggAPACHE slowly drifts apart. I am not even saying this because of fights or anything but it's just time. It is true that we as humans are murderers because the one thing that we inevitably kill is time. T.I.M.E
Time is something so precious that once its gone its never coming back. Firstly, it isn't only me but all of us. We are all growing up. Look at me, this time next year I will be graduating and that's it, SAYONARA REPUBLIC POLY!
Then what? Only me? Hell no! Asswipe has already been enlisted in NS. While he will be going into his second year, a few others will be going into their first. We have our weekly meet-up session for now and of course birthday celebrations and all. But I kinda miss the days where we had lesser worries. When we were younger and just more.. CAREFREE! I miss that a lot. Even something as simple as a meet-up could be done almost ASAP and it was hassle-free. Look at all of us now..each of us are finding the time to meet-up. Maybe just maybe, it hasn't fully kicked in because it's just a handful or lesser number of people who are occupied. What happens to when it becomes almost everybody?! It is still my holidays but ever since moving out and all, working has to be a priority for me, especially since I went a WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT A JOB! Haish.. I am scared that I myself will drift apart.
These thoughts are coming to me just because I have been assigned to work 6 days next week. I know, it's CRAZY! But I just NEED the money now. And what will happen, I will miss the weekly meet-up session with the guys and I really HATE that!!!! But on the bright side (in a way), after this week, it's just 2 more week of holidays and then back to school life. Work and all will play a part stil but I am sure it'll be a little more flexible..HOPEFULLY!
*Fingers Kept Crossed*
Sometimes I wished that life would just slow down a little. I am constantly stressed up that life is moving so fast. I feel like last year happened all too quickly, to a point I do not fully remember being 18! Ok, I do remember the good and bad things that happened. I mean last year was a really rocky roller coaster ride but I made it, we all made it. And just when you want to enjoy a little more... this thing called responsibilities comes knocking on your door.
You simply cannot deny that growing up gives us more life responsibilities. Sometimes I wish I could be an irresponsible prick. But me being me and sometimes pretty ambitious don't really slack off completely. Well I do, occasionally but when I do get back on track, I give it my all.
I guess all that I can wish for would be that no matter what we have on, no matter if sometimes we just have to miss out on outings or celebrations because of more important matters, I guess priorities are really essential. Because I strongly believe that even if you are the BUSIEST person alive.. if you have your PRIORITIES set straight, and if that for example is family, you will MAKE TIME for them.
I know for sure I will always have The NiggAPACHE as one of my top priorities and I sure do hope they do the same. I do not want the madness, epicness, fun, sheer fuckery to end just because we let time control us instead of managing it and making time for one another.
BFFs
Society has this thinking that a guy and a girl can't be just friends. I have no idea why is this so. I never fully agreed to this, I think it is perfectly fine. You see it is COMPLETELY different to have a best friend from the same gender and to have a best friend from the opposite gender.
Whatever I may say at this section, well some of you may not agree but this is just me and my honest opinion.
I have ALWAYS wanted a guy & a girl best friend. Problem was.. for the girl part, it always somehow ended up being one sided which just left me feeling all broken because I thought the other party would consider me as theirs too but I was wrong. This has been the same thing ever since primary school. Then guy best friends..well my first was in secondary school and I thought like hey! Finally.. and then POOF! Shit just had to happened. If it was the normal kinda feelings part, I would've said ok. I do not want to mention names or anything. But after a traumatic incident that took place 3 years back, who I thought would be there for me having my back and a shoulder to cry on..ended up turning against me and asking me for something which I think is honestly too precious to give it to just anyone.
Well, what happened? I refused and that was it. Our friendship which I had valued and treasured just exploded into a thousand pieces of meteorite and it just ended. I was devastated as now not only had I lost my guy best friend and not have any girl one too.. I was just feeling all alone and lost as I thought a girl like me could just never get any best friend. Any at all.
I honestly never did fantasize so much about being in a relationship or having flowers and such being bought for me. I have always dreamed of travelling the world with my best friend and doing the craziest shit. That to me was something I was in search for more than anything...a true friend.
Eventually I stopped looking at accepted the fact that maybe I am just someone who's meant to have friends but not a BFF. And that was when things took a turn. With that, a relationship happened and also a complicated BFF story.
From the start, Nini and I clicked. Not sure was it because she was the only other girl in the group or something else. But I have never met someone like her. The girls I had met in my life were all so different and I loved her for that. Somehow our friendship blossomed and yea I would say that I finally have my best friend and she's a girl! Hooray! Babes / Bitches for life.
But.. does the story end here? Well, I can go on literally forever how Nini is but to sum it all up she is practically my sister. Remember how I said girl besties and guy besties are different. To me, girls they are simple, we can do SOO MUCH together, so much girl stuff that you can never quite do with a guy. I mean come on! Only one girl will truly feel the pain of another girl's cramps. They are literally your sisters from another mother. That just describes them completely. Sisters! Guys.. as in guy besties are different. They play so many roles in your life.
They listen to your problems like they are your best friend.
They annoy you like they are your brother.
They are protective over you just like a father would be.
They love you in the way a lover would.
Their hugs brings you all the love and comfort and they can't bear to see you cry.
Guys.. they are such different creatures. When I was still in a relationship..well I met my ex the same time I got to know Asswipe. Why the name Asswipe, It;s a long story! But The NiggAPACHE knows and y'all can just leave it as it is and continue reading if y'all want. So Asswipe and I had this weird connection. Nono stop right there if you think it was romance! It was just this click. I somehow clicked to him the most over the other guys and I have no idea how.
Because of my ex, I got closer to Asswipe in a way. Trust me the more I got the know Asswipe, the more I felt like he was "The One". NONONO! Once again NOT in a romantic way. After my secondary school experience, I finally felt that I had found My Guy Best Friend. I was elated but never did I wanted to overwhelm him by letting him know that I thought of him as my Guy BFF.
Because of my past relationship, it was honestly tough to get closer to any guy. And moreover a guy I wanted to know more about because I felt like he really was my best friend. He has been there countless times when I needed him and I wanted to be there for him too. But sometimes having a conversation with him for 5 minutes placed a huge strain on my relationship. Long story short. My relationship ended and Asswipe and I became best friends.
The only problem was..feelings. Feelings just had to happen and screw things up. It left a great hole in the group. You honestly have no control over who you end up having feelings for. But I guarantee you this wasn't planned. I am not joking or lying when I say that friendship still means the world to me. Asswipe and I messed up big time that we want to make amends and slowly sew that hole up that's in the group.
He and I even talked and I am glad we agreed on being best friends. But why does it feel that I can't do that. Like I said in the beginning of this blog post, it is almost or it may have even been 8 months.. I know it is not as if it's 5 years. I know it is going to be really tough to gain everybody's trust back but why do I feel like every little thing I do, I am being scrutinized or judged.
Why is it fine, if I text or hug any guy in the group but it becomes a problem if I do the exact same thing with Asswipe. I just wished every single member of the group will slowly become cool with the idea that he and I are just friends. But the problem is he isn't just a hi-bye friend but my closest best guy friend. It's hard for me to always act like its normal when I see him but then I can't be close and have to monitor every single thing I do.. A simple touch can lead to so many drama that I am genuinely afraid to even touch him or go anywhere near him.
When will it come when everyone will be fine with the idea that if I ever said "Hey guys, I'm going with Asswipe to have an ice cream. Wanna join?" And if any rejection happens it is because they are busy and not because they think they are intruding some sort of a date because it is not.
I know I messed up big time. I am really trying to make amends. I had feelings, I am not going to lie. To be honest, I still do. But I will not let it get in the way of just being friends with him. I will never want to ever do anything to hurt the group ever again. If it means, not getting into a relationship with him, I really won't. And it is not like we planned to anyway. All I am asking is to give me a chance to show you that we are just friends.. and honestly best friends.
Give us a chance to show that a guy and a girl can just be best friends. I would love and would be hoping for a time to come where I can be really comfortable around him in all of your presence without having the worry that if I were to give him even a high five or share my food or something small like that.. all I can hope is a big fuss won't be made out of it.
Please.. I am not asking for an approval to be with some Prince Charming or to live a fairytale. Maybe I want to just make my dream come true. The dream of friendship. The dream of having a group of inseparable friends.. well you guys have given me that. The dream of having a girl best friend.. well you guys have also given me that. As I am never more happier to say that Sharlini is my BFF! I know it is a lot to ask, but this is the only thing I will ever ask for from any of you guys.. please give me my guy best friend back. Just because we messed up, please don't take away our efforts of trying to amend things. I am really not asking for an acceptance of any kind of relationship except friendship. Please just give me asswipe back..
All I want is my best friend. Don't take him away from me and have me put up a facade that I don't miss him as a BFF. I just want my friend and to be able to me myself around him with all of y'all around, I just don't want to have this wall up. You guys always wanted honesty, and here I am being a little coward typing every single heartfelt thought out instead of just telling it to y'all.
I guess I am just scared. Scared to the bone that if I ever ask for this out loud.. I will stir up another problem and I just don't want that to happen. I have caused enough trouble and damage.
Maybe I am asking for a lot. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for making The NiggAPACHE lose a valuable member,, and the price I pay is really high. It cost me my best friend.
Well I have finally typed all that I have wanted to type out months ago. You have no idea the amount of relieve I have. I have finally taken the step to let my problems go. I've cried it out. I've jogged it out, in fact I am typing the last two sections from this post after the run and now I am writing it out.
In a span of 2 days I guess.. but it is worthy. For those of you who actually bothered to read everything.. I really wonder why. I am just a girl here penning down my thoughts and unlike my usual happy updates of my life, this is just built up and piled up problems.
Sorry if I had hurt anyone in the past 19 years of my life. I am really trying to make amends to everyone that I've hurt and everything that I have messed up.
I can guarantee you that the next blog would not be so lengthy or sappy.
Till then,
From an initially broken girl to a girl who's just trying to make up for her wrongdoings, continue fighting and stay strong..
xoxo
Farhana Mazlan
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I have finally decided to blog this. It's taken way too long.. If I wait any longer it would be 8 months and I guess it's just time that I do not want to not let this pain in me and burden on me grow any more. Even if it eases a little, it would do me good.
Funny how the weather depicts exactly how I feel now. It's a heavy downpour and just lightning and thunder every few minutes.
Well the reason why the blog is titled "Time Changes People", is because it does and in this 8 months so much has happened and so much more will too. This is going to be a lengthy blog and if you are expecting pictures or some happy paragraphs, I suggest you just close this tab. I am writing this for my sake to try to let it all out for once. Two things that make me feel better, jogging and writing and I've done the first, now for the latter to help me.
Break-Up
The people who are close to me or who at least know me know that I have broken up with my ex quite some time back. I do not have a string of relationships so I do not know how it ever feels like to go through a break up..but now I do.
For the NiggAPACHE who knows the problem knows that it was me who wanted it. Some may have understood my side of the story..some not so. Whatever the case, I just wanted to say that I am sorry to everyone that I have ever hurt and also to my ex.
All I can tell anyone out there, if you ever want to break up with someone over something so trivial, don't be so stupid and do it. But at the same time, if you ever want to break up with someone for something you know where its time to end things.. DON'T PROLONG IT! I cannot emphasize anymore how important it is to not prolong it. Trust me, you rather end things off early then to go on a year plus and maybe more and then have to end things off ugly.
I know only 2 people know this about me but there was never a day, never a moment I stopped thinking about you or how much I've hurt you. It was so much of grief and guilt. I guess it will never really go away till someday somehow I know you've found your happiness, real, true, genuine happiness.
What hurt me the most was not the break up but losing someone so important to me and in my life. I have fostered a friendship with you that was special, It wasn't a BFF one, it wasn't some lovey dovey one but it was just something special that I thought I could have forever until a relationship came in and ruined that friendship. A breakup with a boyfriend didn't hurt me as much as a breakup with a friend I had valued dearly. Seeing the NiggAPACHE go from 11 to 10 members because of me broke me down further knowing I was the cause.
Never was a time after your departure that I felt that, thanks to me the incompleteness will always be there.
I want to take this time to say that I am truly sorry for hurting you. I am sorry it had to end up like this. I am sorry that I hurt you when all you ever did was to love me. I am sorry after a while I lost my feelings but instead of telling things then, let it prolong thinking things will change and in the end leading to a painful breakup. I am sorry I made you cry. I am sorry because of me, you don't want to have much to do with The NiggAPACHE. I am sorry for causing all the family problems between yours and mine but at least now you are closer to them and I do hope you love and value them more. I am sorry for everything. I am sorry you had to have the unfortunate experience of having me be a part of your life at a point of time. I know it is hard, I know it'll take time but I can assure you for the kinda guy you are, a really nice girl to match up with your nice personality will come by and of course with your family's approval and all..but more importantly, I know you will find true happiness with that girl.
Moving Out
If you ever think moving out is an easy thing.. you cannot be more wrong. That is something I guarantee you. A lot of things you take granted for, now you will know the true value of them. For example, you can easily ask your parents for money to go down and buy something. I am sure you know what I mean like getting some chips or biscuits or even milk. Or, you can happily leave your room to go the hall and walk around half naked when only you're home or something because why?
You're COMFORTABLE that's why. Ever since moving out, the 2 of my biggest struggle.. finance and feeling at home. Financially I am supporting myself now. Thank heavens my school fees and all is being paid by my parents. But the rest? From prepaid card to concession monthly, to expenses like food and other stuff to finding the place and money to save up. It's really not easy.
Also why this post before my other one is because the job part. Well the hotel, yeap I am in the F&B sector..but the hotel I am working for decides to be so inconsistent that I have to seek to another agency to get a job. I am still with the hotel and all, it's just that for the time being (hopefully time being only) I need the agency.
When school starts..THANK GOD FOR BLOCK CLASSES!!!! RP students, y'all know what I'm talking about. Well going into Year 3 and I am blessed to have 3 block modules. So it really depends on the day and all, but I may have to end up working 2 - 3 times per week when school starts. Money doesn't just fall from the sky you see, you have to work for it.
Eating at lavish places and shopping for the fun of it and all has to be on hold because you just cannot afford to be spending carelessly. The good thing would be that you learn how to be thrifty, that's why a F&B part time job. (But more about this in another post)
Next, family and your sense of belonging. When I first moved out, although the people I am staying with are really the nicest and all..I could not help but feel outcasted and out of place. It's been 2 months plus since I've moved out and I am slowly adapting to everything. I know it will be hard. Because, before I know it, graduation and all and then time to find another place to stay and after that, it would just be migrating and so on.
Life keeps on moving. My family knows why I moved out and I believe they respect that. However the full reason would still be known by The NiggAPACHE. I do visit my family as much as I can on a weekly basis. I do miss their company and all but this is the path that I had chosen and I am going to pave my own way and live my life in a more positive and happy manner.
Regardless, if my family ever needs me for anything at all, I will be more than glad to go all out to help them in any way that I can. They have done so much for me and it is the least I could do.
Also, moving out inevitably teaches you independence. You have to be a strong, independent person but it is always fine to once in a while lean on somebody as a form of pillar of support when you need it. Late night talks with Sharlini and so on has helped me through many tough and suicidal times. Yeah..you read that right. But, I am all past that now and I want to be a happier person and I am going to go my way to getting that.
NiggAPACHE
Never once was I lying when I said that I considered The NiggAPACHE as my family. To me they were, they are and they will always be which was why it hurt when my ex left..because it was like losing a loved one, my own family. But it was for the better, his better and I want him to be happy no matter where he is. Obviously given a choice, I would want to remain friends and all but we all know where would that lead to and leaving him hurt was already bad and I couldn't afford to do anything even more harmful. Losing him, was losing something the most important relationship to me..friendship.
But I guess with him it never really did linger long enough in that zone. Everything was a rush. Every thing controlled. Well, never mind for all that.
The NiggAPACHE.. the group where I once felt like a complete outsider because I didn't attended the same secondary school as them. But you know what? Thank heavens. I mean it was really cool and all to hear all their stories but I now definitely liked the fact that I didn't attended the same school. Because I knew, that I would've known of their existence and all but wouldn't have been a part of them. I do have lovely friends from primary school, secondary school and even right now in polytechnic. But.. somehow it was never the kind of friendship I felt with these guys. This is something really special to me. A bond that I hope never ever breaks irregardless of anything.
With them, it is the kind of friendship that I want lasting like those you watch in movies. Years later, some even living in different parts of the countries or even the world but they always make time for one another and that friendship lasts forever and also those kind of friendship where their kid knows your kid and the kids grow up together also being great friends. I will never find a group of people like them, or feel like I am in a group with friends to an extent they become family. I do want to always make new friends wherever I go but I NEVER EVER want to lose touch and communication with The NiggAPACHE. It's like the saying, "There's no place like home." Similarly, "There's no other group of friends like The NiggAPACHE."
I love each and every one of the members from The NiggAPACHE with all my heart. I would do anything I can to see them happy. Gosh, I LOVE YOU GOOFBALLS!!!
Overthinking
This tends to be a woman's problem most of the time. For me, a lot of times, I worry A LOT about the future and I sometimes forget to live in the moment. One of my biggest fears would be that The NiggAPACHE slowly drifts apart. I am not even saying this because of fights or anything but it's just time. It is true that we as humans are murderers because the one thing that we inevitably kill is time. T.I.M.E
Time is something so precious that once its gone its never coming back. Firstly, it isn't only me but all of us. We are all growing up. Look at me, this time next year I will be graduating and that's it, SAYONARA REPUBLIC POLY!
Then what? Only me? Hell no! Asswipe has already been enlisted in NS. While he will be going into his second year, a few others will be going into their first. We have our weekly meet-up session for now and of course birthday celebrations and all. But I kinda miss the days where we had lesser worries. When we were younger and just more.. CAREFREE! I miss that a lot. Even something as simple as a meet-up could be done almost ASAP and it was hassle-free. Look at all of us now..each of us are finding the time to meet-up. Maybe just maybe, it hasn't fully kicked in because it's just a handful or lesser number of people who are occupied. What happens to when it becomes almost everybody?! It is still my holidays but ever since moving out and all, working has to be a priority for me, especially since I went a WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT A JOB! Haish.. I am scared that I myself will drift apart.
These thoughts are coming to me just because I have been assigned to work 6 days next week. I know, it's CRAZY! But I just NEED the money now. And what will happen, I will miss the weekly meet-up session with the guys and I really HATE that!!!! But on the bright side (in a way), after this week, it's just 2 more week of holidays and then back to school life. Work and all will play a part stil but I am sure it'll be a little more flexible..HOPEFULLY!
*Fingers Kept Crossed*
Sometimes I wished that life would just slow down a little. I am constantly stressed up that life is moving so fast. I feel like last year happened all too quickly, to a point I do not fully remember being 18! Ok, I do remember the good and bad things that happened. I mean last year was a really rocky roller coaster ride but I made it, we all made it. And just when you want to enjoy a little more... this thing called responsibilities comes knocking on your door.
You simply cannot deny that growing up gives us more life responsibilities. Sometimes I wish I could be an irresponsible prick. But me being me and sometimes pretty ambitious don't really slack off completely. Well I do, occasionally but when I do get back on track, I give it my all.
I guess all that I can wish for would be that no matter what we have on, no matter if sometimes we just have to miss out on outings or celebrations because of more important matters, I guess priorities are really essential. Because I strongly believe that even if you are the BUSIEST person alive.. if you have your PRIORITIES set straight, and if that for example is family, you will MAKE TIME for them.
I know for sure I will always have The NiggAPACHE as one of my top priorities and I sure do hope they do the same. I do not want the madness, epicness, fun, sheer fuckery to end just because we let time control us instead of managing it and making time for one another.
BFFs
Society has this thinking that a guy and a girl can't be just friends. I have no idea why is this so. I never fully agreed to this, I think it is perfectly fine. You see it is COMPLETELY different to have a best friend from the same gender and to have a best friend from the opposite gender.
Whatever I may say at this section, well some of you may not agree but this is just me and my honest opinion.
I have ALWAYS wanted a guy & a girl best friend. Problem was.. for the girl part, it always somehow ended up being one sided which just left me feeling all broken because I thought the other party would consider me as theirs too but I was wrong. This has been the same thing ever since primary school. Then guy best friends..well my first was in secondary school and I thought like hey! Finally.. and then POOF! Shit just had to happened. If it was the normal kinda feelings part, I would've said ok. I do not want to mention names or anything. But after a traumatic incident that took place 3 years back, who I thought would be there for me having my back and a shoulder to cry on..ended up turning against me and asking me for something which I think is honestly too precious to give it to just anyone.
Well, what happened? I refused and that was it. Our friendship which I had valued and treasured just exploded into a thousand pieces of meteorite and it just ended. I was devastated as now not only had I lost my guy best friend and not have any girl one too.. I was just feeling all alone and lost as I thought a girl like me could just never get any best friend. Any at all.
I honestly never did fantasize so much about being in a relationship or having flowers and such being bought for me. I have always dreamed of travelling the world with my best friend and doing the craziest shit. That to me was something I was in search for more than anything...a true friend.
Eventually I stopped looking at accepted the fact that maybe I am just someone who's meant to have friends but not a BFF. And that was when things took a turn. With that, a relationship happened and also a complicated BFF story.
From the start, Nini and I clicked. Not sure was it because she was the only other girl in the group or something else. But I have never met someone like her. The girls I had met in my life were all so different and I loved her for that. Somehow our friendship blossomed and yea I would say that I finally have my best friend and she's a girl! Hooray! Babes / Bitches for life.
But.. does the story end here? Well, I can go on literally forever how Nini is but to sum it all up she is practically my sister. Remember how I said girl besties and guy besties are different. To me, girls they are simple, we can do SOO MUCH together, so much girl stuff that you can never quite do with a guy. I mean come on! Only one girl will truly feel the pain of another girl's cramps. They are literally your sisters from another mother. That just describes them completely. Sisters! Guys.. as in guy besties are different. They play so many roles in your life.
They listen to your problems like they are your best friend.
They annoy you like they are your brother.
They are protective over you just like a father would be.
They love you in the way a lover would.
Their hugs brings you all the love and comfort and they can't bear to see you cry.
Guys.. they are such different creatures. When I was still in a relationship..well I met my ex the same time I got to know Asswipe. Why the name Asswipe, It;s a long story! But The NiggAPACHE knows and y'all can just leave it as it is and continue reading if y'all want. So Asswipe and I had this weird connection. Nono stop right there if you think it was romance! It was just this click. I somehow clicked to him the most over the other guys and I have no idea how.
Because of my ex, I got closer to Asswipe in a way. Trust me the more I got the know Asswipe, the more I felt like he was "The One". NONONO! Once again NOT in a romantic way. After my secondary school experience, I finally felt that I had found My Guy Best Friend. I was elated but never did I wanted to overwhelm him by letting him know that I thought of him as my Guy BFF.
Because of my past relationship, it was honestly tough to get closer to any guy. And moreover a guy I wanted to know more about because I felt like he really was my best friend. He has been there countless times when I needed him and I wanted to be there for him too. But sometimes having a conversation with him for 5 minutes placed a huge strain on my relationship. Long story short. My relationship ended and Asswipe and I became best friends.
The only problem was..feelings. Feelings just had to happen and screw things up. It left a great hole in the group. You honestly have no control over who you end up having feelings for. But I guarantee you this wasn't planned. I am not joking or lying when I say that friendship still means the world to me. Asswipe and I messed up big time that we want to make amends and slowly sew that hole up that's in the group.
He and I even talked and I am glad we agreed on being best friends. But why does it feel that I can't do that. Like I said in the beginning of this blog post, it is almost or it may have even been 8 months.. I know it is not as if it's 5 years. I know it is going to be really tough to gain everybody's trust back but why do I feel like every little thing I do, I am being scrutinized or judged.
Why is it fine, if I text or hug any guy in the group but it becomes a problem if I do the exact same thing with Asswipe. I just wished every single member of the group will slowly become cool with the idea that he and I are just friends. But the problem is he isn't just a hi-bye friend but my closest best guy friend. It's hard for me to always act like its normal when I see him but then I can't be close and have to monitor every single thing I do.. A simple touch can lead to so many drama that I am genuinely afraid to even touch him or go anywhere near him.
When will it come when everyone will be fine with the idea that if I ever said "Hey guys, I'm going with Asswipe to have an ice cream. Wanna join?" And if any rejection happens it is because they are busy and not because they think they are intruding some sort of a date because it is not.
I know I messed up big time. I am really trying to make amends. I had feelings, I am not going to lie. To be honest, I still do. But I will not let it get in the way of just being friends with him. I will never want to ever do anything to hurt the group ever again. If it means, not getting into a relationship with him, I really won't. And it is not like we planned to anyway. All I am asking is to give me a chance to show you that we are just friends.. and honestly best friends.
Give us a chance to show that a guy and a girl can just be best friends. I would love and would be hoping for a time to come where I can be really comfortable around him in all of your presence without having the worry that if I were to give him even a high five or share my food or something small like that.. all I can hope is a big fuss won't be made out of it.
Please.. I am not asking for an approval to be with some Prince Charming or to live a fairytale. Maybe I want to just make my dream come true. The dream of friendship. The dream of having a group of inseparable friends.. well you guys have given me that. The dream of having a girl best friend.. well you guys have also given me that. As I am never more happier to say that Sharlini is my BFF! I know it is a lot to ask, but this is the only thing I will ever ask for from any of you guys.. please give me my guy best friend back. Just because we messed up, please don't take away our efforts of trying to amend things. I am really not asking for an acceptance of any kind of relationship except friendship. Please just give me asswipe back..
All I want is my best friend. Don't take him away from me and have me put up a facade that I don't miss him as a BFF. I just want my friend and to be able to me myself around him with all of y'all around, I just don't want to have this wall up. You guys always wanted honesty, and here I am being a little coward typing every single heartfelt thought out instead of just telling it to y'all.
I guess I am just scared. Scared to the bone that if I ever ask for this out loud.. I will stir up another problem and I just don't want that to happen. I have caused enough trouble and damage.
Maybe I am asking for a lot. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for making The NiggAPACHE lose a valuable member,, and the price I pay is really high. It cost me my best friend.
Well I have finally typed all that I have wanted to type out months ago. You have no idea the amount of relieve I have. I have finally taken the step to let my problems go. I've cried it out. I've jogged it out, in fact I am typing the last two sections from this post after the run and now I am writing it out.
In a span of 2 days I guess.. but it is worthy. For those of you who actually bothered to read everything.. I really wonder why. I am just a girl here penning down my thoughts and unlike my usual happy updates of my life, this is just built up and piled up problems.
Sorry if I had hurt anyone in the past 19 years of my life. I am really trying to make amends to everyone that I've hurt and everything that I have messed up.
I can guarantee you that the next blog would not be so lengthy or sappy.
Till then,
From an initially broken girl to a girl who's just trying to make up for her wrongdoings, continue fighting and stay strong..
xoxo
Farhana Mazlan
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